"nothing"
26 english spanish hikikomori
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https://blog.spacehey.com/disgrace
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Category: Romance and Relationships
Ada told me she's dating someone. I already suspected it, but I didn't know for sure. She says she loves her, but she doesn't seem any happier. She is the same old sad Ada. Maybe it's because they've already known each other for so long, so that's why there's no initial excitement phase. The girl is nice: she likes rain, and her mental illness power level is way higher than mine; she has schizophr... » Continue Reading
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Category: Romance and Relationships
The fact that Haven is in love with someone else is a relief. I thought I had messed everything up, but there was nothing to mess up. I never wanted them to love me back. Love is more decent when it isn't mutual. I' m too disgusting to want to be loved. It ' s a pity they even like me as a friend. » Continue Reading
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Category: Romance and Relationships
I thought Haven preferred her over me, even though I love them more because she's prettier. I completely forgot that I'm not just ugly. I also suck. Feeling rejected over your appearance is the height of self-flattery. Why would I be turned down for my looks when there's so much more of me to dislike? We are talking right now. It's giving me a stomach ache. Friendship is too stressful; we've been ... » Continue Reading
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Category: Romance and Relationships
Haven is in love with this girl online who is really pretty. They didn't tell me; Ada did. After she pointed it out, I realized it was obvious. Of course, she sees me as a friend and her as something more. I feel embarrassed that I didn't realize it up to now. I thought Haven had no standards and everyone's love was worth the same to them, so I'm shocked to find out they have such strong feelings ... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
A friend asked me to give them a reason not to drink themselves to death. I told them it probably wouldn't work and would only make things worse, and I suggested something they could do instead to feel better and deal with their problem. They responded, "this is bs". I can't disagree with them, but isn't all advice in these situations BS? As far as I know, these are all the options: 1.Convince the... » Continue Reading
Category: Romance and Relationships
I told two people that I love them. They both said it back. I don't feel like I love them anymore. Lacan says love is "giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it". In this sense, a confession of love is a confession of not being in love, and accepting love is a confession that you don't want it. Maybe love can only exist in secret, staying below the level at which its absence m... » Continue Reading
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Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
It has been over a year since I brushed my teeth. I consider personal hygiene a meaningless gesture in my situation. As a shut-in, I never see other people, so I don't have to look good and smell nice for anyone. I hate my body, no matter what it looks like. Working on my appearance only makes me feel worse because it forces me to focus on it more. I recognize its bad if my teeth rot and fall out,... » Continue Reading
Category: Friends
Someone with the name Tea brewer sent me a friend request on discord. I immediately thought it had to be Haven. I've been sending them pictures of tea every day, and, at one point, they went by the name Tea haven. I accepted, and we talked for a short while. It was pretty awkward. They didn't tell me who they were, but they said I love you and I said back. They thanked me for the messages I sent a... » Continue Reading
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Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I woke up without a body. Whatever still existed of me fell from the bed. I was afraid I would hurt myself when I hit the ground -everything was moving in slow motion- but I didn't possess any mass to crash into the floor. I was merely changing location. When I reached the ground, I woke up in bed again. I realized it was a dream and felt relieved. Then the same thing happened again, but once I wa... » Continue Reading
Category: Blogging
When I first saw Haven's goodbye message, it seemed as shocking as it did natural. I knew Haven was suicidal, and I knew we didn't have a future together outside of my fantasies. I accepted it and went to bed. When I woke up, I started crying. I spent all day whaling. I kept thinking about what might have happened to them in ghastly detail. I thought I would be depressed for the rest of my life. A... » Continue Reading
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Last March, Sage died, possibly by suicide. We were not friends, sadly. We often saw each other on Twitter and liked each other's posts, but it only went beyond that a few times. The last thing I told her wasn't mean, but it was one of the most immature and insensitive things I've ever said to someone. I'll regret it for the rest of my life. There was a girl I wanted to ask out, but I felt too ash... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
I prayed every day for ten days. I don't want to pray for a while now. What's the point of praying if you're not a good person? Although I feel conflicted because it's possible that it was during the days I didn't pray that I lost my friend. I binged movies. I tried to watch five a day. I felt so productive over something so inconsequential while my friend was suffering. Watching movies is nice, b... » Continue Reading
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