What I was doing while my friend was possibly dying

I prayed every day for ten days. I don't want to pray for a while now. What's the point of praying if you're not a good person? Although I feel conflicted because it's possible that it was during the days I didn't pray that I lost my friend.

I binged movies. I tried to watch five a day. I felt so productive over something so inconsequential while my friend was suffering. Watching movies is nice, but why couldn't I say hi to Haven at the end of the day after finishing all my movies?

When I couldn't concentrate anymore, I went back to watching youtube videos as usual. I don't remember what I saw. It must have been crappy stuff. I only remember one political video. Why didn't I talk to Haven at this point instead? There was a misguided logic to the idea that watching a movie was a better use of time than talking to a friend, but I knew that watching youtube was a complete waste of time.

When I felt really bored and restless, I ended up watching pornography. I don't understand why I do this. I find porn disgusting. Sometimes I want to remind myself how gross it is. I watch it and traumatize myself. Once I've had enough, I don't watch it again for weeks or months, but I always return. The thought that I might have been watching porn while Haven committed suicide is horrifying. I will never watch it again.