I was already worthless, so what am I now?

Last March, Sage died, possibly by suicide. We were not friends, sadly. We often saw each other on Twitter and liked each other's posts, but it only went beyond that a few times. The last thing I told her wasn't mean, but it was one of the most immature and insensitive things I've ever said to someone. I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

There was a girl I wanted to ask out, but I felt too ashamed after what I had done. Unable to become closer to her, I moved further away from everyone.

Whenever something terrible happens, I impose restrictions on myself out of decency. Some are normal. Others are more extreme.

Havens's disappearance is the worst thing that has ever happened, but I can't process it like I usually do because I may have been able to avoid it if I didn't do such things in the first place. Abnegation and self-punishment seemed meaningless before, but now they would be disrespectful. I need to do the opposite.

Reacting to a friend's death by self-improving may be the most disgraceful thing I've ever done, but it's the only thing I can do. I need to become the kind of person that would have helped Haven.