i've come to realize there is only one thing i want in my life. i think about my future and i don't see a fun road trip. i don't see university. i don't see helping others. i don't see children or family. i just see an apartment. with old wood floors and a wooden ceiling fan and white walls faded yellow, bumps and scratches and paintings and stained glass and shutter blinds and my grandmas quilts... » Continue Reading
That's all. Oh ya and apparently I'm really anemic so I gotta take iron and something else to get it back on track. It's been 3 or 4 days since I started and I've noticed some of my eyelashes fell out? Like, 2. But that never happens and apparently iron can make ur hair fall out so if my hair falls out I'm giving up /j but fr I would just curl up into a ball and die if that ever happened to me esp... » Continue Reading
I HATE the power struggles within my shitty family, I hate having to dodge and evade and create new tactics to avoid setting my mother off, I hate trying to negotiate my way through another power struggle with a middle aged woman. I HATE!!! Not having a license or a car or an easy way to drive, I hate how nobody cares enough to give me a ride anywhere, and ya know? I hate how nobody cares in gener... » Continue Reading
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with my life? I was born into this family that gave me cold empty love that I learned to crave. And when I realized it was empty, it tore my stomach open and all my guts fell out. I pushed and shoved my insides between my ribs, and it when pieces of me kept falling out, I trudged on anyways. I needed to figure out what this was all for. I needed to figure out wha... » Continue Reading
My legs are bound by tape, Not duct tape, but scotch, wrapped in tens of layers. I'm falling, into this kind of twisting pit. Everything around me is moving too fast. Or is it that I'm moving too fast? It's all blurry, it's all blending together and I can't keep up. That guttural feeling when the theme park attraction shoots down, and for once in your life your stomach hits your heart, not the o » Continue Reading
Maybe the girlhood was the autism we made along the way... Haha, anyone hear that ominous depression creeping back in? Anyways, I tend to feel 10% better after I shower, so I'm brushing my hair out right now. Whenever I'm sad I tend to think "What can I do to feel 10% better?" and I just do that. Or if I'm on my phone too much, I put it somewhere forgettable and it pushes me to do something else. ... » Continue Reading
Those who filled my earliest memories, my formative years, though they're all strangers to me now. I feel nothing towards the people they've become. Or maybe it's how I've become. My morals, my values, my corrosive thoughts, maybe that's what has led me to this apathy and disdain for everything in my life. When did everything turn gray? When did it turn into survival? Were we ever a family? I s... » Continue Reading
Ever since I was a kid. No, ever since this whole thing started, almost 6 years ago. She wasn't raised right- she was mean. He was my closest friend, but he shouted a cruel comeback towards me once. My neighbour creeps me out in a way that I can't quite explain. She was controlling of a group project. That woman gave me hope, only to be cruel in the end. She was my idol, but now she's miserable to... » Continue Reading
i wish i could be better i think i'm so disconnected from everything that my brain is trying to explode or something and being mean to myself doesn't make it any better i'm really sorry. sorry. i hope you can find it in you to forgive me because i can't ever seem to forgive myself i'll forget but i won't forgive and i hate myself because of it. i'm sorry.... i just want to let it linger, i want to... » Continue Reading
NOTHING is good enough nothing makes me feel good and i stay in my shitty house and i look out the window and i see the people and the clouds and the joy and i can't even step outside this shitty shitty shitty shitty life i fucking hate my life oh my god i hate my life and i hate every aspect of this there is not one part of my life that is actually good and that's why that's why. UGH OH MY GOD T... » Continue Reading
Tight, pushing, aching Something in my throat, in my lungs Begging to escape Pounding on the walls of my trachea So I try to breathe Sharp, heavy, deep breaths Sucking in all the air, but it's never enough It's never enough for me Taking all there is, and it just makes me dizzy It makes me so dizzy It makes the walls twist and warp, and I fall over from it all I just want » Continue Reading
Warping warping warping Pulsing pulsing pulsing Twisting twisting twisting it's all distorting, it's all pushing around me, when i blink and blink and move my hands in front of my eyes, it just won't go away. it's fuzzy, it's interesting. it's interesting. years of shadows and shadow men and shadow bugs and seeing things in shadows but now my whole world is distorting, and it's not just me play... » Continue Reading
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