What did I really expect?

In truth, I know that nobody is going to save me. I know that my lies are my own fault. I know I'm going to wind up restarting high school. In fact, I know I'll probably not return at all. I know I'm never going to get a job at my age. I know that none of this is good enough for me anymore. I know that this is all my responsibility. I take accountability for my twisting of the truth. 

And I'm not sorry that I lied.

I know I have nobody. I don't love any of you. 

It's all conditional love, and that's not real at all for me!

You never tell me the words I need to hear. You word it carefully, just enough to seem like a loving mother, but it's hollow. I can tell it's hollow. 

My eldest sister, my idol, the girl I would give a kidney to in an instant despite her hating me now. And she really does hate me. And that hurts. Because I love the memory of her so much. I can't believe my big sister idol only hurts me now. I wish I had an answer for why you became what you did. I wish I had an answer I could accept. I know I was a bad sister though, that's the only reasoning I can come up with, so it's my fault, and I have to find a way to accept you leaving us all.

And you, my eldest brother. you don't even care about me. you're living your own life, and I can't say that I care! All I really wanted was a brother who would play video games with me; you're the one who introduced me to Minecraft, after all. But you're an adult now. You don't play the same video games I still cling to. And the chances I thought I had for that brother slipped through my fingers like bubbles underwater, because I still remember your screams and banging on walls.

Yes, of course, the abuser now. Lucas. Why do I even have to think about you? It's been two months since your "vow of silence". Daily conflict is at an all time low. But words can't even begin to describe what I think of you. It's all whisking and pooling in my head, drowning and fogging up my daily life. 

I know it's been like this for a long time. Over half a decade. I know it won't ever really get better, even if I try to be positive.

Fuck, It's like I'm trapped! What can I do! Haha, I'm just a teenager. I can't really do anything. There's a limit to what I can try at my age. Do I even really want to try anymore? When have I ever genuinely changed my mind to try at this point? All of it just feels like hopeless lies I tell myself.

Honestly, I hate you all. You're cringe and exhausting. Why does MY life have to suck? Why do I have to be surrounded by jackasses? I'm only surrounded by bad people. And am I turning into one? I'm not going to victimize myself even if I was one at some point. Fuck, am I doing exactly what they want me to? Damn, I can't think!

My life is just so miserable every single day. And I guess it's good that my friends perceive me how I've always wanted to be perceived. I'll hold my confidence, but at the end of the day, each day, I just wish it was over already.

I'm so stupid. I hate being cringy and self-deprecating, but GOD am I ever stupid.

I know all these things. This is my truth. My unfathomable truth. And yet, I fill the corners of my head with the fantasy of a perfect family. I'm so stressed, everything I'm building up seems to be crumbling all around me. I really must be cursed or paying the price for a past life. I really am trapped. And even though I know the answer, the truth, it never changes anything for me.

Is this still fun? Am I still having fun?

My distractions used to be enough, but I wouldn't mind it at any moment now.

And I'm not ever getting another answer.

So I just want to sink into my bed and float away from everything.