i'm so unloved, it's so ridiculous.

there's something i just don't get here. 

why.

why.

why?

why is it always me?

why is it always people hurting me?

is it true?

is nothing ever enough?

will nothing ever be enough for me?

and at the end of the day, it's ultimately my fault?

or am i surrounded by shift-blaming narcissists?

they say if trouble follows you everywhere you go, you need to self reflect for a bit cause YOU'RE the problem. but what if my environment itself is this toxic?

what if i'm just trying to justify my actions, and i really am a horrible person?

maybe i am.

i can't think.

it's always blame shifting.

scapegoating? is that what it's called?

but why is it always the people i'm supposed to love that end up hurting me the most?

i can't even talk to anyone because these are the only people i know. this family.

so.

is it that i'm a terrible, delusional person, and these people really do love me?

or is it that they hate me entirely?

and if they hate me, why can't they just say it?

why can't they be honest?

why do we have to play these mind games?

i hate my family. i hate my life. i hate that everything i love gets taken away one way or another. why do they keep hurting me? why do they keep hurting me? why do they keep hurting me?

i know. i'm not a fool. not that much of a fool, at least.

i know they don't love me.

what's that quote again?

some random redditor.

"It might be "love" to them because that is all they know, but it's not love to you if you don't feel seen, heard, understood and accepted."

i know they don't love me.

but they keep saying they do. and i know by now not to believe it. and all it does is make me more confused.

love, love, love, you love me, you love me, but it feels like a sickly obligatory love for a family member. you don't love any aspect of me. nothing. i feel no love, especially in those empty words.

none of you love me.

fuck. i really do have nobody!

it's not like it's some grand revalation

but how fucked is my life?

i have nobody

i have nobody

i have nobody

i literally have nobody

i have no one

nobody in my corner

nobody that cares that much

nobody that loves me

nobody that is going to help me

no resources that genuinely care

nobody that genuinely loves or cares for me

nobody

nobody

nobody

nobody

i have nobody

i have nobody.

i really have nobody.

my life fucking sucks dawg

there's not a single thing good about my life

and i have nobody.

it's almost laughable

but then i just cry instead