well, i've gotten to that point again.

the bugs, the flickers, the paranoia, the probably-hallucinations, the contemplation, the words i've gotten out, the hopelessness, the uselessness, the knowing it'll never get better.

because i knew it would never get better. even if i tried.

and i did really try this time. i applied to jobs everywhere, i went to interviews, i volunteered, i reached out for therapy, and i reached out to my social worker. i gave it all a good, solid shot.

but none of it worked out. none of this ever seems to work out for me. 

i really wanted to go to school this time, and work hard and put in real effort so the opportunities i've killed from my depression wouldn't catch up to me.

i really did believe.

but WHAT do i keep telling myself? it never works out! i've been telling myself this for 6 years and it still never works out. i keep telling myself to never get my hopes up because every single time i do, i only get more disappointed or hurt! i even told myself that before the group home, but i didn't listen to my own words.

pathetic.

i know i can't just yet, but it's definitely a lot more intense now. on days like these.

i just want to hide in my room and disappear.

but i already have.

maybe i just want to disappear from my own mind.

i know i can't, but it's driving me insane.

ALL of this is driving me insane!

i am so, so, so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so insanely restricted right now, that even when i try to save myself, there's hardly anything i can do.

and i know why. it's because nobody cares. deep down, nobody cares about any problems except their own. not even the professionals care. nobody cares about the girl who has been shut in her room for 6 years. i know! it must be easier to look the other way!

my mom found out about those scars. never spoke to me about it. everyone found out and nobody tried to help. i still remember that random psychologist when i was 14, not even he cared.

the family found out about those times. said if i really wanted to, i'd actually be gone by now, and i can't keep using that to try and manipulate them. they all belittle me for it. nobody takes me seriously.

and my abuser, even when i reported Lucas, everyone still praised him and said that he was a good young man and that he had changed. but i still hear him yelling at our mom. i still hear him slamming doors and stomping as soon as he gets in the house. i know he hasn't changed, deep down. i know what he is. people wonder why we can't reconcile, but i know what he is. i KNOW.

my old social worker heard what i reported and she didn't care. she lied and stuck me in a group home and everyone forgot about me. i mean, except for my shitty old family, they fought to get their scapegoat back. 

and maybe i'm being cynical! maybe they care, in some really fucking twisted way! but then i think of that quote: "It might be "love" to them because that is all they know, but it's not love to you if you don't feel seen, heard, understood and accepted."

i don't even care about listing all those reasons. because none of it matters. none of it changes how much i've been hurt, and none of it changes the nothing i've become. 

my idol that abandoned me, her husband i looked up to, his mother i thought i had bonded with. the woman who was supposed to take care of me. the brothers that were supposed to include and protect me. the lady who introduced me to so much, just to hate me when i wrong her.

and that's the thing with this family. that's exactly what it is!

everybody loves me until i wrong them somehow.

...

this can't be love.

i know this isn't, i know this can't be love.

the friends i made over the years, the exchange students and the boy i jumped on a trampoline with. that girl from hockey, we tag-teamed and read each other minds so well. my childhood friend who moved away. that girl i dissected a pig heart with in class. the girl that doxxed me and made me cry. the girl who looked at me all disgusted when i met her gaze. the girl i tried doing a group project with and she began to hate me. the first exchange student, from china. we would sit with our backs to the lockers and talk before we had to go home. the next one, from japan. we taught each other english and japanese. the boy who crushed my snowman in first grade. the popular girl who seemed stuck up and crazy, but from another angle all sweet. my teachers over the years. my new social worker. my dad. everyone. this whole world.

i'm sure nobody cares. maybe one person or two. at least, nobody in my REAL life cares about me now. that's right, nobody seems to care about the girl who has been shut in her room for 6 years.

i think i'm going to throw up.

"i'm giving everything i have to give, and it's still not good enough."

time, and time, and time, again i keep trying to fight my shitty family but nothing ever works. 

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do?

what am i supposed to do when nobody cares?