Agonizing, agonizing, agonizing, this is agony

"You can't use your friends as therapists. You can't throw all of your problems onto other people. You can't tell your teachers about the family. These kids are so much better than you, can't you be a little more like them? God, you're such a terrible friend. I mean, it's not like you were really abused. It was horrible, but, well, it was just sibling squabbles! You're this old and still victimizing yourself? Get over yourself. If you really wanted to, you'd already be gone by now."

I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I feel when I'm around my family. I don't want people to feel guilty for existing. And I sure as hell don't want my presence to make them feel like that.

Is this really all just a performance? Always performing. 

I can't come clean, because even if I did, how could you help? Help. How could you take me out of this environment, and save me? 

You can't. And it's not your job. So why would I ever tell you the truth?

Performing, performing, always performing. Am I always performing? I didn't think I was that kind of person, I thought I cared. But I always feel this resentment about to burst out of me, and guilt just beats that feeling down. Isn't this how a terrible person behaves?

I can't be myself, because people get tired of a sick depressed girl after a while. I feel like sometimes I just echo what they want to hear, even though they don't care about me at all. Even if they're the ones that made me feel this awful in the first place.

At the end of the day, there is no one on my side, nobody focused on helping me, nobody here for me, nobody to get me out of here, nobody, nobody, nobody to acknowledge this mess, nobody to punish the ones who hurt me, nobody to tell them off, nobody to do anything, nobody to help, nobody to help me, nobody, nobody, nobody, there's nobody and I have no one.

I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I am miserable, I am so miserable every godforsaken day of my life. 

At the end of the day, every day, I just want it to all be over.