With burning fingertips and tired eyes, where is my place in this box? Far too fragile to venture outside and bare witness- far too restrained to grow into something more, I have found myself stuck in a spin cycle, left in far too long, humid and molding away- the hot mist settling thick like a deep breath of grease- I am repulsed by myself yet I cannot desire to seek any other company at the time... » Continue Reading
The past few days have been a bit of a blur, I am not logging my activities as I usually would and I feel more lost than usual. I dislike that my memory fails me so often, and often I have doubt if I am fully acting upon my own will let alone something alternative- bringing into question the genuineness of my connections and actions. Would I have done the things I have if I was more present? Would... » Continue Reading
How do people just do things? it's nice to imagine- the feeling I just don't trust myself to feel that strongly with people, if I feel it I worry it's not normal or temporary. And that when everything's burnt out I'll just » Continue Reading
It's going to be another bout of storms for the next few days, I don't trust the forecast, it's going to be gross and miserable the next few days. I enjoy rain, don't get me wrong, but during the summer there's a limit, the air feels like breathing hot soup, you can't sweat, you just broil. It just feels gross, I don't feel I can keep myself pretty right now, I don't like looking in the mirror tod... » Continue Reading
I'm feeling a lot better tonight, I made some new friends and talked a lot today so I'm feeling more present, I feel more content than I had been the past few days- my brain is feeling comfortable? if that's fathomable? regardless of specification, its a good feeling, and I'm lucky to meet such wonderful, engaging, and interesting people on Spacehey, thank you. I feel I can rest easy tonight knowi... » Continue Reading
Compensate. I hate that word, I used to think it a lot, I used to think I owed the world something for tolerating me, that my existence was an ever increasing debt that soon would be collected if I didn't excel in everything and did as I was told. And so that was what I did, I even did things I was told by terrible people just to have a sense of praise, a sense of achievement after reaching the to... » Continue Reading
The room is yellow, and the outside world is growing into a rich deep blue. Wooden frames have rotted and pulled away from their seams from around the mirror- does the trim not like the mirror sometimes too? While understandable- I wish it were a more easier thing to repair had it not given into such emotion- saturated from the environment, I suppose it had been raining quite a bit lately, April m... » Continue Reading
I use tags frequently on my posts, but I never made a post actually explaining the significance of each, so I've made a key with the emoticons I use in my headers and why. I have a good sense of self, bad sense of memory, and fluctuating sense of presence, the blogs help me get out thoughts stuck in my head and feel connected with myself and others, t » Continue Reading
This was initially written for a Science fiction lecture, It was written last minute and I was very tired at the time, so it may not be coherent or correlate with future posts if I am to continue writing analysis and reaction blogs. Despite being unorganized, abstract, and loosely philosophical, a significant amount of work was put into writing the following article, and I appreciate any who take ... » Continue Reading
While I wish for some miracle somebody to embrace my lonely soul on this empty summer evening, haunted by thoughts of solitude, I am content in this misery. The music swells to fill whatever that lacks and I am able to stride through the pain in my chest, ascending to some higher plane, if it were an actually a plane, it certainly wouldn't be first class- but I'm still flying right? It doesn't mat... » Continue Reading
I'm feeling lost here, this is not where I should be. Bigger than a white cinderblock dorm in some concrete jungle but twice as crushing- here I am just visiting, here I have not built myself a home- or rather a nest- an amalgamation of clothes, wires, unwashed sheets, an overstuffed file cabinet as some lame excuse for a dresser, stray papers- I haven't even gone as far as to change shirts before... » Continue Reading
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