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I'm feeling lost here, this is not where I should be. Bigger than a white cinderblock dorm in some concrete jungle but twice as crushing- here I am just visiting, here I have not built myself a home- or rather a nest- an amalgamation of clothes, wires, unwashed sheets, an overstuffed file cabinet as some lame excuse for a dresser, stray papers- I haven't even gone as far as to change shirts before going to bed- I feel wretched. I am treated as I am lacking- I cannot make anyone happy here, and any attempt prompt the unwanted response- I am not enough and when I am I'm supposedly patronizing- There is no way to win, or satisfy, and it makes me sick, little meaningless words close up my throat- they shouldn't- "Just ignore them" my 6 year old brother says "they're like that all the time" while surprised by that glimmer of maturity- I am also irked- irked that he has to reassure himself and other as it being the norm, that to be belittled and scolded for the littlest things- even by simply existing- is something that should be brushed off. I am sick and rotting here- there are times I'd love to start screaming the moment I hear some snarky remark about me, to punch a hole in the wall, climb out a window and leave- something to show just how tired and sick of the same scenario- the same repetitive word vomit with different contents each time but all equally repulsive.
I don't feel happy in this space- Now that I think of it I don't think I'll ever truly have a space to myself ever again in the future. Sharing rooms has always been a norm in one house but not the other- but the addition of three makes things crowded- I will be tucked into a corner of a room with little no privacy and little to no room for most of my belongings. At college I will share a room with a friend, and the rest of the dorm with four others. After college I don't think I'll ever be able to afford a place to live by myself- I have mixed feelings about it all. Maybe I'm overthinking all of this- but thinking aside I don't feel great about all of this- would anyone? is anyone supposed to? I Think I am rotting in our room with my thoughts- I'm going to start working soon- I've been hired- so hopefully I won't be home enough to be a problem and be busy enough to not think for a bit.
-Sentient
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♠ 𝓝𝖎𝖈𝖔 ♠
Being home for college always feels the same way for me, it's weird. Like i always underestimate how bad it'll feel, or how much resentment will form directed at the people here. The motivation to do anything for yourself just isn't there when you don't feel comfortable in a space, yk? I got my own room this year, but before that i shared a room the size of a walk in closet with my sister. I miss my dorm. Miss not having to argue with people about things that aren't any of their business. I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, but the only thing i can say and the only advice i can give to feel even a little content with the situation is to find comfort with at least one other person wherever you are. My college roommates are my best friends, and i love my sister more than anything, she makes being here and alive kind of worth it. I think we spend our entire lives in a shared space, on a shared planet. it'd be a bummer not to like any of them enough to want to be around them, even if it's not the ideal situation.
Me and my sister move between two houses. It is intentional to give her some form of consistency. When I come home for the breaks she is the only one I usually see all the time, though lately she has either been too burnt out or tired to spend time with me or busy with her friends. I am happy that she is being willingly social with others and getting invited to parties given how antisocial she was with outsiders in the past but I am also on my own for the most part now. It feels contradictory, I feel displaced because I have no space truly to myself and yet I still manage to feel lonely. I'm hoping working and blogging more will be enough to distract me until I get back to college.
-Sentient
by SENTIENT.B; ; Report
the comfort of having a private living quarters is something i miss dearly as an adult, i don't think i'll ever know that feeling again
Hazel
I think I get this. Arriving back home after months in my own apartment on campus, after living on my own for the first time, it's an odd feeling. Almost like adjusting to air pressure changes, y'know, when you're on a plane and you've been up in the sky so long that when you step out the ground feels foreign. That's how I felt at least when I stepped inside after months of living alone. Breaks between semesters can either be the most freeing moments or long stretches of internal agony and a constant war between the mind and body. I've had summers in the past where I just slept and slept, rotted and wasted my hours in a brutal hedonistic cycle that left me bitter and exhausted. Working definitely helps, I have two jobs - planning to get a third soon (maybe). "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" and all that. Also volunteering really helped me avoid any mental pitfalls. But yeah, I think I get this. Rotting, especially, I'm an expert. I do have a nest of my own I need to address.