I have been cleaning the HELL out of my room over the past few days. It’s still not even done, but I let it get to a point where it has to be this massive project and I’m at least more than halfway through it. I’m trying to be in control of something immediate and mechanical because I’ve been feeling quite absentminded lately. It’s definitely a plus to see my room finally out of it’s state of desp... » Continue Reading
I started writing this entry after I smoked and I somehow closed out of a whole paragraph I had written and completely lost it. So here’s me trying to recreate it. Currently, I am fighting the internal battle of my thirst to enact chaos in my life versus my need for stability. I have debts to pay off, a body to heal, and an addictive personality that I seriously need to get in check. Despite of al... » Continue Reading
Why is being healthy so fucking boring. I’ve come to realize that, though I need it, I hate stability. I love when things are chaotic and messy, especially when life is chaotic and messy regardless. When bad things are happening, I want to put myself in bad situations so my actions at least match the atmosphere. By choosing to protect my physical and mental wellbeing, I end up feeling lifeless. I ... » Continue Reading
Almost fell victim to my own hedonism last night- remind me not to break no contact even if it’s in the interest of asking them to cancel a subscription that would charge me $90 on renewal. General question- is it always so that once someone is removed from your life, they suddenly realize what they’re losing and start with the false promises? I always hear about “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘t... » Continue Reading
I woke up today with a head cold, and just now have made the discovery that I’ve started my period. What a killer combination. I’ve been laying in bed all day, rotating between smoking, watching Youtube videos, and scrolling Instagram reels. I was a bit mad at myself at first because I felt like I was already backsliding on my progress and my routine, but I quickly realized how silly that is and t... » Continue Reading
I just got into bed after a chill day with friends. When I first left the house, it was comfortably warm. We sat outside smoking a joint and listening to music as a bumblebee floated lazily through the air. I appreciate that bumblebees are named for exactly what they seem to do, bumble around. By the time I got back, the air was laden with fog so thick you could see the mist floating under lights.... » Continue Reading
This is going to be an entry of less formal writing, but I just wanted to spill my brain all over the screen for a second. As I’ve grown older, it’s become much and much easier for me to decipher what’s good for me and what isn’t. This sounds arbitrary, but to me it’s valuable as someone who will end up in a stunted period and just sit there, as I find comfort in stagnancy. It’s a blissful place t... » Continue Reading
I feel like a rock on a beach, slowly eroding into sand each time the waves lick my surface, expanding to vastness grit by tedious grit. I want wingspan, I want every piece of me to spiral and tornado in the water. Once my last grain loosens, I will move slowly with the rocking ocean, pushed further and further, searching for the horizon as it grows nearer, still never to be touched. I don’t want... » Continue Reading
Many times in life call for detachment, and I find of the struggles I face, letting go is something I find near impossible. If I love something I will grip onto it until my hands grow too weak to longer hold it. I’ve found this wiith people, and similarly with addictions. Currently I am grappling with heartbreak. The need to move on from someone who, over a short period of time, introduced me to ... » Continue Reading
Writepril timeeee except im drained for no reason today. I only worked 5 hours but ive been so incredibly exhausted all the time… depression era rly getting to me. I say depression era but its been months at this point. Really hoping im just at the end point of seasonal depression but who really knows…. anyway nothing super important happened today that would be worth noting….. the rain made the a... » Continue Reading
Mfw i have a great night out with my friends and then get home and spit sob cuz i miss my best friend 😹😹😹 Anyway last night was so much fun me maia skyler allana and gabrielle and madi went to a show in toronto and as usual i spent most of my time in the bathroom and outside smoking cigarettes!!!! Still so much fun though and the train rides were the bestest time. Finally got to feature in the 10 ... » Continue Reading
I havent spoken to or seen another person for more than 5 seconds in the past 4 days. Unless it was virtual shoutout to anyone whos been calling or texting me mainly gf. I am a social creature as all humans are and i thrive off of social interaction! I dont know what the line is between introversion and extroversion, I would self identify as an introvert because I feel my automatic inclination is ... » Continue Reading