Raining Hellfire on My Own Life

I started writing this entry after I smoked and I somehow closed out of a whole paragraph I had written and completely lost it. So here’s me trying to recreate it.

Currently, I am fighting the internal battle of my thirst to enact chaos in my life versus my need for stability. I have debts to pay off, a body to heal, and an addictive personality that I seriously need to get in check. Despite of all this, I spent Wednesday-Saturday last week actively backtracking on the progress I’ve been attempting to make. Also fighting the battle of vulnerability as well right now, because as much as I want to be honest, I fear opening up and tend rather to reflect on my feelings internally. For now, fear wins and I won’t go into detail. Instead of immediately switch-flipping to aggressive self care, I am allowing myself to start the week with slow steps. I went to the beach all day yesterday (Sunday, the day following my bad decision bender) and had my first swim of the year. I love being in the water because it makes me feel reborn. It was a peaceful and fun day with friends. Today I’ve been reflecting, trying to gently push myself to think of ways to cope in the short term and start planning for the long term. Hopefully reshifting my focus will make it easier not to wish I was raining hellfire on my own life. I also might go to trivia later but I’m still considering whether or not I feel like doing that. I think this is all for now, hopefully next time I check in I’ll be doing better.