Ms. Hickey Haver's profile picture

Published by

published

Category: Life

As the Day Elapses

I just got into bed after a chill day with friends. When I first left the house, it was comfortably warm. We sat outside smoking a joint and listening to music as a bumblebee floated lazily through the air. I appreciate that bumblebees are named for exactly what they seem to do, bumble around. By the time I got back, the air was laden with fog so thick you could see the mist floating under lights. I feel proud after spending time with my friends sober, enjoying myself and laughing just because I’m grateful to be around people I love, not due to any external intoxicating force. 

As I work through the process of moving on mentally, I am trying to aid myself physically as well. I wiped everything I could think of on my phone today. I didn’t spend anytime reminiscing or clicking back into memories, I just held my breath for a moment and pressed the buttons I needed to press. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it’d be. At least now, I wont be tempted to relive the past through texts and pictures. All I have is what still remains in my memory. 

I still get pangs of anxiety everyday in certain moments when reality kicks in, but nothing too long-lasting or unbearable. I impress myself everyday with the weight I bear and the resilience I show in spite of it. 

I was thinking about that SZA lyric where she says “I moved on for the better, you moved on to whoever” and I thought to myself, yeah, she’s right. I felt so betrayed and abandoned a month ago, and at this moment my prevailing thought is that I’m so glad. Sometimes situations are bad just because they’re bad, but there are times like these where I come to realize the blessing hidden behind the ugliness. Through being left, I have been afforded so much time to get back to myself, and frankly, get my shit together. Its funny, because when I was broken up with, I was told that the other party needs time to figure themself out and didn’t feel like they could do so while in a serious relationship. I resented that at first, but now I understand. I also can’t focus on myself the way I’ve needed to when involved with another. I devote to much of myself to the other person that I get lost in it. I don’t have any desire to delve deeper into anyone but myself. (I mean, some physical affection here and there would be incredible, but I’m not the type that can’t live without it.)

I’ve spent so many years relying on and taking care of myself that when someone else comes along and lifts some of that fot me, I fall into it completely. But on the other side of the same coin, I am able to bounce back to my self-reliance. I am grateful for my strength in moments of weakness.


0 Kudos

Comments

Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )