"I want to be good. I want to navigate this hate in my heart."
I don't really know who I am.
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Category: Life
Hello again, all. It always feels longer than it really is when I finally decide to submit something to the ether again. I always feel rusty when it's time to say something. Hopefully I am able to shake it off quickly and write what I need to. I had a birthday last week. As of the 8th, I am officially 21, and of course I celebrated it in the way that is expected of such a milestone. Truthfully I h... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
Good afternoon. I've been more like myself lately, and it helps that I finally have some idea of who I am exactly. It happens that I have spent my life up until this point with a severe hormone imbalance, and now that I have it somewhat under control, I feel clearheaded, optimistic, and on the path to my own form of normalcy. It has been terrifying learning how to take care of this new need, but i... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
It's been a while. Long enough, in fact, that I don't quite remember what state I typically draft these entries in. I am still myself, still the same insecure and questioning me that I always am. The loneliness has subsided, however. It's strange how much can happen in a few months. I'm closer to some people than I think I've ever been. Friendships are blooming. The future seems bright, and I find... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
It's finally the dreaded portion of the fall semester- the boss stage for those of us that haven't been keeping up with our studies, yet are too committed at this point to drop out, regardless of how necessary that might be. The thought of doing that, after all of the blood, sweat, and tears that have been shed on the journey to this hill, so the only way out is through. I find myself spending th... » Continue Reading
Category: Life
This morning, I woke up with a tight feeling across my entire body, which I usually experience when the weather is about to change. I was reluctant to leave my comfortable bed, and I knew, before ever checking the news, that it was going to be cold. I was right. 30f all morning, and as of about an hour ago, snowing. This is the first snow of the season. While I doubt it will stick to the roads or ... » Continue Reading
Category: Life
A pipe burst on my campus today. It happened directly next to my apartment, and I was able to watch as custodians swarmed around it like ants. A section of the grass bloated and swelled, and burst, a flood of swift moving water spreading to the surrounding area. The street slowly filled, and before long, a foot of water made the pipe's resting place into an island. The first repairmen appeared, sc... » Continue Reading
Category: Life
In my last post, I discussed how my life has felt more worthwhile as I've gotten older. I still feel that, but I've also noticed all the little details that have stayed consistent throughout my life, even the ones that I thought I would have grown past at this point. One example that comes to mind happened just the other night as I was helping my older brother move into a new apartment. In this ra... » Continue Reading
Category: Friends
I've always considered myself to be an introvert. Something about the world of hectic interaction has always made me antsy, and I find myself at my most charismatic and pleasant in small groups of people that I have known for a long time. Still, life necessitates change, and in the past year, I have had a radical difference in my lifestyle. My mind drifts to Halloween of last year, which I spent h... » Continue Reading
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Category: Friends
For my entire life, I've felt like someone outside of the scope of human experience. I have always had the nagging sensation that my life is atypical in some way, an exception to the rule that every person is fundamentally similar. As I've gotten older, I believe that less and less. My perceived differences, which I felt made me something other than human, are not quite as strange as I originally ... » Continue Reading
Category: Life
Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream, I am investigating a remnant prairie below an overpass, as my hobby in naturalism compels me to. As I was taking a photo of a grasshopper, a man came up to me. He was irritated, yelling about how I was invading his home. It wasn't something that I was particularly worried about. I simply apologized and moved on to a different area, still intent on gettin... » Continue Reading
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Category: Life
Today I return to my university dorm for another year of learning, not only about the world around me, but also about myself. To mark this occasion, I will be discussing some things that I have learned since I started this journey. Hopefully it is helpful, enlightening, or familiar to some of you. 1. It is normal to have no idea what you are doing. If you mess up, it can usually be fixed. I have a... » Continue Reading
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