My personal connection to Psalms 40:2 by The Mountain Goats

Psalms 40:2 (NASB) He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the mud; And He set my feet on a rock, making my footsteps firm.

The song Psalms 40:2 by The Mountain Goats tells the story of delinquents burning down a chapel through a manic rock-heavy tone. I feel a special connection to this song, as in a strange twist of fate, I was raised less than 15 minutes from the chapel referenced in the story; The Precious Moments chapel in Carthage, Missouri. Having been to this place many times in my tenuous relationship with the lord, I would be lying if I said that the thought of razing it to the ground wouldn't be immensely satisfying. The explosive subject matter makes adrenaline surge in my veins in a way that is frighteningly exhilarating, even if the tempo of the song isn't the most thrilling.

Maybe the hatred is due to the anger I harbored in my youth, but the cheesy-cherub sweetness always made me feel like a joke.On my first visit, I couldn't have been older than ten. I felt too old for it, even then, but I was still a believer. I went through the motions of walking the grounds and savoring the exhibits. When it came time to leave, I begged my mother to purchase a card from the gift shop featuring my name and it's supposed biblical meaning. The connectedness I experienced in my faith at that time made it's later absence all the more bittersweet.

On my second visit, I felt slightly isolated and secluded from my faith, which was an emotion made worse when surrounded by the hyper-commercialized saccharine nature of the place. I remained optimistic, awash in the post-youth conference high that I was consistantly soaked in at the time. The visit was in between my bible camp in the summer and a back to school youth group festival, and we went with people that we knew from my christian homeschooling days. In the words of John Darnell, I was "drunk on the spirit". Even then, in my doubting moments, I was flooded with feelings of love for the place. It was beautiful to me still.

My third and, lord willing final, visit came only a few years ago. I'm much older now, and my relationship with faith is much more complicated than it was when I was ten. I was tarnished with a world weary attitude and was in the midst of a depression that I am only now beginning to crawl out of. The grounds are in disrepair, almost as though they are mirroring my own feelings. The animatronics no longer run, nor do the crumbling fountains. The stores are mostly closed, including the gift shop. There was a part of me that wanted to see if they still carried the card that I bought when I was so young and clean. I made my way to the chapel on the grounds, the same one mentioned in the song, and as I stood there, I wanted nothing more than to burn the building down with myself inside. The gentle, childlike expressions of the angels mocked the pain I was feeling, and the inspirational figurines lining the side hallways were nothing more to me than a potential projectile to turn the stained glass windows into a glittering carpet. In the back of that chapel, among the other guests in some year between 2016 and 2020, my name is written in a book in an angry scrawl. Someday I may go back and look for it, once I'm less prone to whatever emotion overtook me that day.

The accompanying verse, Psalms 40:2, is a personal favorite of mine. There's something intoxicating about the phoenix-like intensity. Everything around me can be completely obliterated, and I will be pulled from the rubble, bruised, bleeding, but alive. In a way, it encapsulates my journey since my last visit to the grounds of Precious Moments. I have destroyed myself, completely and totally, and have been dragged from the remains. I have solid ground to stand on now, or at least solid enough. As Darnell cries in this anthem, "He has raised me from the pit, now he will set me high." Things will be better from now on. They certainly can't get worse than what I felt then.