Getting older and learning.

Hello again, all. It always feels longer than it really is when I finally decide to submit something to the ether again. I always feel rusty when it's time to say something. Hopefully I am able to shake it off quickly and write what I need to.

I had a birthday last week. As of the 8th, I am officially 21, and of course I celebrated it in the way that is expected of such a milestone. Truthfully I had a very nice time, although I often feel as if there is a film covering me that prevents me from being able to enjoy things that are normal for everyone around me. With the right people, I am able to push through that, and I am pleasantly surprised by the fact that there is no requirement needed to be "deserving" of an activity.

I find it hard to pinpoint where this self-flagellation started. As far as I can remember, I have always felt different from those around me, and I will often discover that I am thinking about the world in terms of "I don't deserve to experience that" or "of course I deserve to experience that". Birthdays and holidays are particularly difficult to get past this feeling on. On my 17th, as I have written about before, my uncle passed. The next year, I scheduled a root canal on that day, under the vague impression that, as a bad person, I need to put myself in uncomfortable situations in order to prevent further misfortune from falling upon my family. The following year, similarly, I chose that day to get my license renewed, hoping that, while it wasn't physical torture, the discomfort of a government office would be enough penance. Last year, I spent it alone in my room, avoiding those around me as best as I could. There idea of going out for my 21st felt wrong, but those around me insisted that it was necessary. Had it not been for their pressure, I am sure I would have spent it marinating in my own suffering again.

The research I have conducted into the subject seem to point to various neurosis or religious tendencies as being the source of this instinct, but I prefer to avoid assigning blame to any one thing. I have been like this since I was a child, so perhaps this is just the way I am, gloomy and unpleasant as it might seem to an outsider's perspective. I have grown accustomed to having to remind myself that I am human, and I haven't done anything to deserve the animosity I assign to myself. Maybe this year will be the one in which I start to actively nurture myself and make it a habit for life, however long that may be.

While attempting not to get into the mindset of "I am invincible", I will say that I am optimistic about the future. I have made it to 21, who's to say that I will not make it to 30? 50? Even 80? Will I still feel this barrier between myself and the rest of the world when I am old enough to retire? Will I feel invisible on my deathbed? I will still feel love when I think of those around me, 20 years from now or beyond. That could be the kernel of meaningful truth on this string of thought.

This is the frame of mind that everyone has heard someone older than them talk about, but I didn't believe the existence of this calmness until I started to approach their age. I have still only scratched the surface of the knowledge I might someday have, and that excites me as much as it ignites anxiety.