Feeling Better Lately

Good afternoon. I've been more like myself lately, and it helps that I finally have some idea of who I am exactly. It happens that I have spent my life up until this point with a severe hormone imbalance, and now that I have it somewhat under control, I feel clearheaded, optimistic, and on the path to my own form of normalcy. It has been terrifying learning how to take care of this new need, but it has been almost five months and I feel better than ever.

There is a part of me that wonders what I would have felt like if this had been caught and treated earlier. What kind of person would I be? All the frustration, anger, and self-doubt could have been eased somewhat. As the saying goes, however, if wishes were horses, I would be stable.

I try not to get too deeply concerned with the possibilities in that way. I say "try" because this task is much harder than it should be. I doubt there is any person on the planet that doesn't consider what kind of life they would have if something different happened.

I recently lost my grandfather. He was almost 80 and had been ready to die for several years, but it was very sudden. On the night he passed, I was out of town collecting one of my siblings, and I arrived mere minutes after his breathing ceased. For the last few months, I have been wondering what would have been different if I had simply arrived a few minutes earlier. Realistically, nothing would have changed, and in a way I am glad to have missed it since I was not especially close to him, but what if I hadn't? How much would that weight press on me of watching him in his last moments? How many of my nightmares would consist of that? Maybe it would be better to ignore the questions, in this case.

There is some relief now that he is gone. I can be free to be myself without being concerned about explaining it to him. That is one less person I will need to open my heart to when the time finally comes to be truthful about my identity. There's shame attached to the condition I have as well, so it isn't something many in my family are aware of. I don't think it could have been discussed with my grandfather. It is a conversation I imagine frequently, regardless.

Hopefully this brief update finds all of you well. I am hopeful for a future in which no one needs to be so secretive about their life, and I hope that those of us handling grief are able to someday come to terms with it. Stay resilient, and know that things will get better at unexpected moments, even when something terrible occurs simultaneously.