dear diary. today i did something i have never done before in my entire life: enjoyed rain. i have always been neutral about rain when i’m inside. but outside i have always thought it to be very miserable to exist it. however tonight as i was walking to the store to get brownie mix and fruit for me and my brother, i felt it to be enchanting and kind of beautiful. all the neon signs and food truck ... » Continue Reading
dear diary. its been a while. things are just ok. lets keep it real just this once. new york is alright. i think i would enjoy it more if i had a better apartment. here's to next year. and next year is pretty soon. i'm 21 soon. my roommate and somewhat brother showed me the band At The Drive-In and I keep listening to their album. some songs stick and others not so much. i think, i want to like it... » Continue Reading
i guess i hate how long it takes me to get home. i guess i hate how nobody is there to pick me up. i guess i hate how cold it is. i guess i hate never being alone. i guess i hate the loneliness, despite it all. i guess i hate having to survive, not just live. i guess i hate how blurry everything is. every passing moment merges with the next. until nothing is concrete. like an elongated dream i can... » Continue Reading
where do you live? can i live there with you? crawl inside your bedsheets every night? quiet streets and darkened windows? can i follow you home? get inside your van? your car? your front seat? listen to the sound of gravel underneath my feet when i get out? what’s your address? your city? your zip code? can we be best friends? can you let me sleep on your couch? your guest room? forever? and ever... » Continue Reading
parking lots and impromptu gas station trips a stupid joke, a laugh up too late and, ‘this is my hometown’ i’m 17 again and god, is nothing wrong and god, if i could live in this forever would i? in the backseat low music much too tired lights are low i’m 7 again being driven home by my parents and i live in this forever for the moment but suddenly i’m 20 and » Continue Reading
its weird to me that all of this still goes on. when you go somewhere, you don't just leave your feelings behind, even if you mean to. they just go with you. however, its so confusing to feel... bad when you're in a great place. everything is still so new and shiny and bright and sparkly. how can you be sad when there's an ice cream place 5 minutes from you? when you see your best friend every oth... » Continue Reading
i walk, and i walk, then i walk some more. the monologues in my head get shorter and shorter. sometimes they fade away completely. my first month of life here was so fast. it slowly creeps quieter... i must not let it. i can't let winter take it. i blink and my hair grows longer. the days get shorter. i wake up in my apartment and i'm cold. i've never been cold before. i didn't even know it was po... » Continue Reading
i am a grain of sand. i am a grenade that explodes. i am a feather loose from a wing. i am the sky. i am a microbe. i am a concrete building. i am a vessel. i am an answer. i am scared. i am wind. i am dirt under a fingernail. i am on a billboard. i am in a basement. i am on a rooftop. i am walking. i am watching. i am sleeping. i am sweating. i am a ghost. i am an overseer. i am passing. i am lea... » Continue Reading
i want to be in a band again; there it is again, the thought. i tell it to the only real friend i’ve made since moving here. it comes out choked up, in different parts. i want.. i want.. i wanted to tell him at the seaport. we walked all around town, quite literally. it was perfect at the seaport. you could see the bridges and the ocean and a million lights that were all individual people doing th... » Continue Reading
i stare at my reflection in a subway window in between polished people going to work, white blouses and black suit pants. girls dress the same all around me. the lady beside me drinks coffee and looks at her horoscope. somebody in front of me reads a book about AI. a man blocks my reflection and stares into my soul. i get off at 23rd. i’m in the library reading. two guys sit down in front of me, ... » Continue Reading
tomorrow i’ll wake up and be you for the first time same shoes, same hair, same bag, same face same life, over and over and over again and i’ll just pretend not to notice i’ll pretend not to notice just for some kind of miracle to happen except the less i notice the more i bl » Continue Reading
i am sick. i am sick with something and it has not gone away and i can’t spend another $20 on medicine if it won’t magically cure me because i’m so tired of it. also i live in new york city now. congrats to me from 5 years ago, 6 months ago and 1 week ago. you made it. except now you’re sick and you won’t stop coughing unless you take some super drug you found at cvs that makes everything spin and... » Continue Reading