this is what you wanted

i am sick. i am sick with something and it has not gone away and i can’t spend another $20 on medicine if it won’t magically cure me because i’m so tired of it. also i live in new york city now. congrats to me from 5 years ago, 6 months ago and 1 week ago. you made it. except now you’re sick and you won’t stop coughing unless you take some super drug you found at cvs that makes everything spin and blur unless you sleep. at my goodbye party (yes, i had a goodbye party, because i’m so important) i said i’d ‘die on tuesday’, tuesday being the day i moved, and unfortunately the universe took that literally because i think on my way here we crashed the car and now i am in hell, hell being coughing endlessly next to a roommate who probably despises you for it no matter how much pizza you buy them, hanging out on your kitchen floor for 30 minute intervals doing absolutely nothing because that’s the only place you can get away from said roommates, buying burnt bagels, having absolutely no sense of direction, no bedframe, and no damn laundry bag. it will be amazing, and you will have so much fun, and i am so jealous, and wow east village. it could be worse, and i had the best ramen of my life, and my job is amazing. but i am also perpetually sweating, and i need to attend a mandatory school event in an hour. and i am just so… miserable. if misery means wanting to strangle everyone who has their own room, and oh my parents pay my rent, i have tons of friends, i’m pitching my own tv show soon, i am already so tired of being… just being. i don’t want to leave. i just don’t want to be in a constant state of uncomfortableness and ugliness and grossness. i guess this is too much to ask. suddenly all of my choices pile into a box labeled regret. i am so lucky i am so lucky i am so lucky i am so lucky…