The corset cinched nicely around my waist, the funerary veil and deathly pallor ringing my eyes and cheekbones suited me well. I felt like an odd refraction of my inner self as I walked down the sidewalk as a ghost, haunting the same pavements I often did by night. There was a sad poetic irony that I felt comfort in such a guise; my blank somnambulant gaze and posture no longer something strange,... » Continue Reading
I find my cursor on the site of a deeply seated issue and suddenly I am 12 and looking for someone to hear me once more. Whether I am rectifying old mistakes or repeating them I'm unsure of, my life is a circle that was drawn closed too early. It's as though I've grown but in none of the ways that matter, the rounded cheeks I was told would give way to the contoured face of a woman remain a part ... » Continue Reading
I had always felt a sense of personal honor in being seen as someone who never needed to be comforted. an odd sense of pride as though I were upholding a private sanctity despite this perceived standard of strength being something cruel I'd never hold another to. It's irrational and isolating, something so vastly against my own nature that it eats me from the inside. It was a personal belief that... » Continue Reading
"You look lovely ,but so terribly bored with everything" I don't know why I remembered the words today as I sat in class, my chin digging into the heel of my palm as I tried to counter the automatic severity of my resting facial expression. I don't know how I look at times where I feel I am mechanical, each faculty deliberate but poorly controlled like a faulty, awkward marionette. I think of what... » Continue Reading
For a horrible moment, My fears felt justified. I understood why I kept myself closed off as I stared at the single line of text on the screen of my phone, I understood that I would not have someone the way others do. There is nothing about my face that would compel someone to want to shelter me besides maybe something pity-evoking about my nervous disposition. I would not have someone to know me... » Continue Reading
Dear Future Me, I write this leaning against the cement wall of our (my? your?) dorm, an x-files poster flanking my left shoulder. By the time I am reading this, I am most certain we'll have unearthed a secret of great occult proportion, the nocturnal mysteries shall be within our grasp. I expect that we will have infiltrated some sort of arcane cabal or will have been recruited by a shadowy gove... » Continue Reading
"It looks smaller during the day" The wooden sign in front of the old quarry, on its way to being bleached, seemed far more demure by daylight. The space seemed less vast, the path to the tunnel unassuming. The traction afforded to me by the shallow grooves on the soles of my converse didn't spare me from having to grapple at a dead tree to reach the embankment bellow without losing my footing. ... » Continue Reading
Im cyclothymic in my musings. Consistently cycling from crushing, burdensome loneliness to contentment from the safety provided by paracosmic distraction. The smell of sickly sweet fruit liquor and the passing around of phones. I'm disqualified from "girl talk" with a face too moonish to look womanly, it's not assumed I'm familiar with the desire of boys. I wonder what it is to be looked at and s... » Continue Reading
The heat kept rest at bay during the night; I awoke groggily with a dim memory of dreaming of an eclipse. As I write now, an auspice caws from above. My mind churns endlessly with symbol, yet I don't know what to make of a darkened sky. My own personal mythos is given language through dream, but I need not look skyward to know I am eclipsed in the waking world. The darkness is fleeting yet imminen... » Continue Reading
"Rise like Nefertem from the blue water lily, to the nostrils of Ra (the creator and sungod), and come forth upon the horizon each day" --- Book Of The Dead (unspecified version ) » Continue Reading
I was unwilling to forgo my protective spikes, instead opting for red lips that softened my face, counteracting my otherwise ghoulish demeanor. I wished my countenance were similarly bold, instead I am left feeling like a girl feigning womanhood, like I wear a useless mask I find myself unable to utilize, awkward in a way a wry girlish smile can't diminish. I sat in the cushioned chair, the loung... » Continue Reading
I didn't have the confidence to prosefully relay why I exactly it was that I collected what I did as I laid out the composition book, innocuous enough were it not for the curious scrawl of 'gods book' on the label. My study of objects was almost anthropological, though much more intimately compelled, a personal study in connection. I realized then as he flipped through the book that it might come... » Continue Reading