There is nothing for you out there. - Year Recap

You are all alone. 

 This year was a year. Was it good? No, was it bad? …no?? Kind of?? It wasnt the worst year of my life, that title goes to last year. But this year wasnt great. 

Also, if your wondering why im posting this on the 25th instead of yknow the actual end of the year its becuase im leaving to go to japan on 29th and i wont have time to write something like this. Plus im bored, my new pc wont connect to the internet becuase i dont have a wifi adapter and idk this day has been a bit of a daze. This entire year, and i mean the ENTIRE year, theres been an underlying horror that has only reared its ugly head closer to me. Im happy. Im supposed to be happy. But at the end of it all, i cant get myself to be. Becuase there is something fundamentally wrong.

 The start of this year was a rough one. I was couped up in my room in fear of the future, fear of the present and fear of what i had done. I didnt want to look at the time. I didnt want to do anything. I just watched oneyplays videos until i went to sleep. Theyre so funny. Yknow, i want a friend group like them. One you know for years. One you can bounce off each other with easily. When school started, i thought id meet people like me. People who came here because school wasnt right anymore. I didnt find that. In fact, this entire year i didnt make a single friend. They were all nice, dont get me wrong. I just didnt feel that spark. I did have a huge crush on a boy in my class, but he ended up aggressively sexualising me for being a trans boy which made me feel icky. I DID find out i liked being called a good boy way more than i should from him though(not getting into that) but yea im glad i stopped bothering to pursue him.

 Not to sound narcissistic but if someone wanted to date me i wouldnt want them to purely view me as a sex object that happens to have some similar interests. I want them to think im beautiful, in the way that an angel is. Becuase thats what i am. I want to imprint myself onto their minds. 

 I spent most of this year at school dwelling in my sorrows. Wondering why I wasnt happy. I had friends at home i called nearly everyday. I wasnt terrified constantly anymore. School days are shorter, i dont have to wear uniform. Why am i not happy? Why do i feel like crying, throwing up, tearing my skin off and running away? Then sorrow turned into hatred. The school year was nearing its end and nothing had changed. I hated this school, hated these teachers, hated this system. I hated this country, i hated this town. And again, like last year, out of all the things i hated the thing i hated the most was myself. I kept repeating “i need to get out of here.” to myself, like ive done for the past 3 years. I turn to look behind myself and see the same kid begging for the older them to finally be happy again. I thought i knew why i wasnt, so now.. ugh. 

 But everything changed when i turned and saw my crt in my room, and it glowed this pink opaque colour i had never seen before. I saw my tv glow. No, seriously. That movie was pretty frickin cool. At first i just thought it was good. good representation of being trans, in this disgusting surreal way that only someone like me would understand. 

after a month of seeing it, there was something i could stop thinking about. Theres a scene where the main character has a breakdown and realises that this “normal” path they had taken was ruining their life. They gag, but cant seem to get anything to leave them. They scream for their mother, for anything to help them. and everyone is just, there. frozen. dead, cold. non-existent. And then owen screams something that changes the rest of my year.

 “I'M DYING RIGHT NOW!” 

 and that. that, is perfect. that is how ive felt for the past 2 years. that creeping underlying horror, you ignore it. you try to fix it by fixing the rest of your life. but theres nothing you can do, unless you fight it. What adds to it is the scene after that, owen cries in the bathroom. They head to a mirror, and tear their chest open showing blue static. Their true self. Life. 

 Thats when i knew i needed to start testosterone. or else i will die. Im surprised my mum took it so well. I just have to wait till this japan trip is over and then i can go and continue this Testosterone stuff. it feels like a million years. ill be ok. 

 I guess something else ive been thinking about a lot over the past 7 months this year is about how ive been wanting to leave australia for good. I really wanna move to scandinavia or something like that, so pretty. i already talked about that in length here so go look at that if you want an actual full thing of that. 

Its funny. that whole thing started cuz i started watching vargskelethor :D i love you silly swedish man. sverige… så kul… det är som ”cry of fear” och ”minecraft” plats. 

 So, 2 major things. T, and wanting to move out. Ive figured everything out now. right? christmas hasnt been good in years. I thought since i wasnt an extremely mentally ill 14 yr old anymore then i could deal with christmas this year. it could be fine. Today was a daze like i said. I woke up, i got presents. I was supposed to be happy, but more than ever there was this disgust and horror lingering behind me.

 When i was 13, my christmas ended with me hugging my aubrey plushie and telling her “we’re going to get out of here”. There was no christmas tree. there was only fighting, dirt, and soulless meals in the house. 

My family, there is still something wrong with them. The demon thats my younger brother forced my mum to stay home. And we couldnt even have the christmas tree in the living room. Theres something wrong with the home, i can feel it. it makes me sick. it makes me wanna leave more. when i got home today, i suddenly felt this sadness wash over me. was that it? 

was that the whole year? there was.. nothing. there was nothing there was nithing there was nothing there was nothing there was nothint there was notjint THERE WAS NOTHING. 

there was nothing. there is nothing out there for me. nothing here, at least. i just. i feel sick. i wanna go home. shut up, ive been saying that for 3 years now. 

i wish i never looked through his phone. 

I wish i didnt leave year 7.

 I wish i was just a boy.

 but i have to be an angel. 

 at least i got house of leaves today.

 and 3 days until the 29th. merry christmas. 

 i still wanna go home.