I want to leave australia and im fully serious. The second im able to, ill be gone.

Okay, so if you follow my blogs (which I doubt because nowadays i only really make one every other month) you might've seen this post I made 7 months ago. (https://blog.spacehey.com/entry?id=1566982)

I made it in a fit of ranting rage, so it isn't exactly consistent or well written lmfao. I got two comments on that post. One saying “stop whining” and another which kinda disagreed with me but in a nicer way. Now thats it's been 7 months, how do I feel?

I want to leave even more.

You see, I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. I know this is fate, that this is right. Because ever since that thought came into my head, ever since that day I was sitting in my room and I realised something very important, It has never left my mind. 

“Ive never liked living here.” 

When I think of something every single day for months, even years, I know its true. Everyday ive dreamt of being a boy so I know im a trans man, everyday ive dreame of being famous so I know that's what I’m supposed to aim for in my future. And this has been a thing for years. So this? I know its fate. I dont care that im 16 and that maybe “it’ll pass”. No. I know its true. 

I don't know if I want to exactly go into a deep dive on the problems with Australia, because trust me there's a lot. And its not the spiders, or the weather or anything like that. Its a lot worse. I've researched tall poppy syndrome and how people get put down for being successful, ive researched intense drug abuse, ive researched casual racism, ive researched into the housing crisis. God, the fucking housing crisis! Look, I know the cost of living and buying houses is bad everywhere in the world right now. But it can't be emphasised enough just how bad it is HERE. It’s not a worry for me at the moment but it will be when I want to move out. 

Ill say this. I have a friend who told me her uncle spent his entire life saving to buy a home. He had two girls, and wanted to live in a good house. You know what years of saving got him? A shack. A broken, metal shack. 

Ive seen drug addicts in the streets, even got chased by one when I was 12. Why dont I go live somewhere less dodgy then? Well, even the cities arent really safe. Melbournes kind of a shithole, ive been to sydney and its cool but… I just… I just hate it here.

I would rant away, I really would. I would try giving you every reason why I hate living here. Try convincing someone who reading this, might not even care. But the truth is, even if there werent drug addicts and I could afford a home in the near future. I still hate it here.

I used this line in a short story I'm trying to write. “There is nothing for you out here.” 

Ive never loved this country. I looked at americans being patriotic and thought they were insane. To be fair, some of them are.I would feel embarrassed having this countries flag in my room. No one loves their country that much. It took me to just watch one silly swedish guy who was so proud of where he’s from. Then I realised that I am a bit alone in my mentality. 

Im not aboriginal. If I was, maybe that would change this whole hatred. They are actually connected to their land thats rightfully theres. Im not, because even though ive lived here my whole life, my parents have lived here their whole life, my grandparents have lived here their whole life, and so on and so forth. Despite that, I am not connected. As a kid I hated the heat. When I would walk on the grass I felt itching up to my spine, I hated that it was so yellow and dead. I hated the way people spoke, I hated the culture. But I thought that it was how everyone felt. Now I realise that there is simply nothing out here for me.  Theres always been this intense friction that ive never been able to shake off, and its because ive never belonged. Ive never felt this sense of home that everyone supposedly felt.

Even if all the bad stuff wasnt there, I would still hate it. Because I know there is no spark. There is no garden to plant myself in without my petals being torn and stomped on. Theres no snow for me to make angels in. There is nothing out here for me. I am a fish born in the wrong river. 

Overall, Id rather live here than the us or uk or some 3rd world countries. And if you live in a bad place, its probably better to live here. But the whole idea that australia is some exotic loving place is only surface level. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.