anger

FUCK THE WORLD

okay, now that i've gotten that out of my system, i have something serious to talk about

people say that anger is like drinking a poison and expecting another person to die. but is that true? i think anger is a healthy emotion that needs to be let out. but our reactions to anger aren't always healthy, and that's the key point. i can feel angry, and not act upon it. but, what am i supposed to do with it?

usually, i transform it. in the past, i put anger into my creative pursuits. i turned it into passion for activism. at this point in my life, i've realized that i don't do a whole lot with anger. i let it simmer down into a slowly-boiling resentment.

i run on a treadmill, and the angry energy fades but the emotion stays.
i could write an angry blog or song, but the emotion would still stay.
i've been advised to journal about my anger, but i worry the emotion will stay.

every time i try to express anger, it comes out as frustration, or sadness, or jealousy. it's always some other emotion. i heard recently, "anger is fear in a trench coat." perhaps there is truth to that.

i suppose i've been looking for a more physical outlet for my anger. perhaps i could engage in martial arts or something. lately when i get angry, i want to throw something or yell, but i refrain. i don't want to be that kind of angry, anymore. so i suppress the anger into frustration, which then becomes sadness or resentment. today, it became depression and i shut down.

i don't want to do this every 6 months or so, getting angry about something (or multiple somethings) and then pushing it down. i wrote about emotional sobriety last week and how important it is to feel and express emotions, but it felt hypocritical in the days that followed.

i did something really difficult on Monday and confronted my mom about her drinking problem. that made me frustrated, because she lashed out at me and my sister about it. in the next few days, she continued to barrage my sister in texts about it and has left me alone. that felt like a relief at first, but it ultimately pissed me off because it feels like she's ignoring me. i don't really want the negative attention, but it feels like she's not even concerned that i am not willing to talk to her. she's clearly prioritized my sister and her kids. that's honestly not a bad thing, but at the same time... does she even care about me?

it's a complex situation that requires a bit of nuance. i don't really write about my relationships with my parents. but this one stings a lot. the day of, i was feeling stoic. within days i was uncomfortable about it. now i feel like there's nothing i can do. this specific brand of anger is part of grief.

eventually it's going to have to come to the surface. but right now it's a deep feeling of resentment. yet my outward appearance and tone seems to suggest that things are fine. i seem calm, but inside i'm burning.

"If I only could, I'd set the world on fire."