emotional sobriety

"Emotions are like clouds. They pass over quickly, change, and disappear with time. They're not permanent."

i said this working with some clients, and i meant it. but one client said something i resonated with:

"Emotions are just chemicals."

they were right. emotions come from chemical reactions in the brain that fire off to produce adrenaline, serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and more. emotions are biosocial responses to these chemicals. beyond that, they don't really exist.

so why do i put so much weight on my emotions? i've written before about stoicism in recovery and revolution and how the point is, not to never feel anything, but to take the emotions lightly and not have them dictate our actions and reactions.

but here i am, taking them seriously.

i had a weird dream last night and it affected my morning. i found myself with answers to some questions i've had for awhile, and answers to some newer questions that have popped up recently.

my SLAA sponsor reminded me to stay present. these answers are "just for today." they may be more or less true tomorrow, next week, or a year from now.

she was right.

but i've put my stock into my feelings again. i find myself struggling between my emotional and my logical brains. one side would have me acting on my passions and desires while the other wants me to close off and take a seat. which one is correct?

they both are.

what i'm looking for is balance. i don't have that in this case. i'm keeping myself as busy as possible (work and life balance) and still making time for rest. but my downtime is seeing an increase in emotional activity: loneliness, fear, joy, frustration, ambivalence, and so much more.

maybe i'm becoming a workaholic?

that can't be true, can it? well, it might be. it might have always been true. i don't want to feel these feelings so i'm numbing myself out by pouring myself into creative and productive means to experience fleeting moments of achievement. "i did a thing, so i deserve some rest. but now that i'm rested, i need to do more things." it's becoming an interesting cycle.

i'm already active in three 12-Step programs and know that i qualify for at least a few more.

i'm just gonna have to slow down. if my emotions are like clouds, maybe i can look for cool shapes in them. i could see dinosaurs and birds and stuff. i could make them less important and just see them as what they are. i don't have to look too deeply.

but maybe my intent to find shapes in them that aren't really there, that's another distraction from feeling them? could be.

i don't have an answer, and i'm not sure anyone does. this blog isn't a question. it's a speculation.

but i'm probably just in my feelings about it.