small in-between update blog [15.6]

hihi, its 2:46 am, hope ur well!
currently I can't blog rn! not like I physically can't, I mean I'm writing rn, I mean what I want to write about I shouldn't. I'll allude to it and explain a little ig? but it's just a lot of mental stuff, personal life stuff, the kinds of things you don't want other people knowing.
ima be going over mental health stuff so beware!

  before this blog I made a blog to myself just called "[15.5]" so uh I'm just calling this one "[15.6]" for my own sanity. in that blog I might've spiraled a bit and jus wrote it out which is a really odd thing I can do. since I can't express my suppressed feelings/inner turmoil it comes out in words.. most of the time. it was awhile ago tho so uh. see it's kinda hard to talk about this without spilling my guts! I'm all for that, but not with something that's effecting me this much?? normally if it was just some venty stuff, that's fine, but this is so much more. I like having some sort of positive thing in my blogs and I can't exactly do that affectively right now. let's just say I'm losing quiet a bit of weight over the past two weeks. I think I know the cause? triggers in the span of like a couple of days while I was trying to do something else that was taking a lot of mental strength? idk if I explained that right. it's all so embarrassing to me it really is so it's easier for me to write it out here than say it anywhere else. I really have no reason to be like this rn, haha. these past two weeks have felt like days, I can't believe I'm back to this state, AGAIN. this happens every couple years (or every year at this point) so I should see it coming, but still did it have to be now.. q_q not to mention when this does happen it's physically impossible for me to do anything self care related. FREE ME! I should've saw it coming, there were at least 100 signs, but I was trying so hard to ignore it, and live in the happy moments I had. I hate dreading this bc it makes it start sooner and longer if I do, but if I don't it's more intense than the last. I have nooo idea what this is even called I haven't seen much relating to anything I've experienced expect for maybe seasonal depression? but that's year around for me so who knows. the worst part is that I ride a high after it's over, that high only becoming higher, before I crash again. it's like when things are "too good" my brain has to torture itself and the PTSD does not help!!!!! 

  I know I said I wouldn't get into my mental, but I'm really not. this is all just from an outsiders perspective. what I'm not going to get into is my day to day spiral and thoughts that start that spiral and that are in said spiral. this is a pretty good line I'm willing to set and not go any further. it's not exactly getting better it's just weird I'm drawing during it. see here looky looky what I drew
an animation I did of my Adam's (AKA MY BF!!!) ocs!!!! -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBKhwgSM6Y
art i did of my Adam's fursona for artfight!!!!! --v

and other art i did in this time IS PERSONAL!!!! or i just dont feel like finding them, some of them were in my sketchbook. oh yeh and some of it only i know eheh. things will get better tho. I've never had this blog to share my feelings before and over all the good people in my life currently are the best I could ask for. oh yeah and I'm drawing??? I have new found will power what can I say. it's not going to be last time where I'll stay like this for a couple months. other than that, that's all this blog is going to be. once I can get back to my normal self I'll post a normal blog!! anyone who is new here hiiii, go read my others in order if you want! their more normal (some have been edited as requested, sorry if things don't make sense in some cases. hence the missing blog.)

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all this to say, PLEASE DON'T WORRY FOR MY WELL BEING. the last thing I want is to share this mental burden with anyone, so just take this as reading a story or novel rather than someone's life, pleaasseee and thank you! that goes for all my blogs!! ^_^ feel like I should've said that sooner, especially in my more ventish blogs, it's really always been the idea even if not stated. basically this is just a place where I write, place down a blog, then proceed to cover my ears, not think about it, and turn away from it before my next one. normal blogging will come soon enough aaaa im so nervous to post this..............
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!