blog with my thoughts! [4]

hello guys!
thoughts, their flowing, and I need to write to all of you!

 first thing on my mind is selfies. when I take a photo of myself on a phone I just don't like how I look. I remember before I realized I was trans I was really good at posing for photos, but now I have 0 chemistry with the lens. so two I ideas I had was trying to do more "masculine" posing, whatever that means, and bringing out my old camera my dad gave me YEARS ago. I'm talking pre-covid and back when I was tiny. he gave it to me so I could take photos on a trip since back then I didn't have a phone. it wasn't till I was 13 when I get my first phone even though I already had my own PC??
 anyways, here are some photos from that trip! (I really wish I could make them smaller, but I'm not in the mood to figure out that code </3)

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 I don't remember how old I was when I took these photos, but I remember I was young. I also took WAAYY more than what I've shown, a whole folder full to be exact. about a week or so ago I was going through these photos with my brother and it brought up a lot of memories of our old schools. anyways back to my point - looking through a bunch of blogs I saw so many people taking selfies with older cameras. it inspired me to do that because they all looked so lovely! in recent I've struggled a lot with my appearance. I can't have short "boyish" hair because of my parents. every time I bring it up the argument comes out of "girls can't have their hair past their shoulders". I guess I have to be grateful they let me cut my hair shortish, but still. wish I could just look like the hot guy I'm meant to be! but I digress. maybe if I just used a different camera it would make me look more appealing to myself. I'm not sure though. I'll have to dig it out of my closet and try it out. (if I like it maybe I'll post it! face reveal perchance but it's unlikely.)

 another thing that has been bothering me lately is the fact I can't really relate to people my age. the only two hobbies I really have is gaming and art, but even those feel so isolating. I've tried so hard to connect with people with my art, but it seems hardly anyone cares? I can make all the fanart I want yet it still feels I'll never be apart of those communities. don't even get me started on gaming.. everyone talks about how great games are with friends and I agree, but it's all so lonely when it's just yourself. so you try to join Discord servers, use voice chat, whatever you can, but you still don't meet people who are interested in you like you are into them. so you get to a point where your hardly talking to anyone because it just feels so useless. it gets even harder when you don't like the same things other people your age seem to like. even when you try to get out of your comfort zones and try these things, you find yourself bored and uninterested. so for now maybe I'll just have my bsf and that's it. (he's great so I'm not really missing out)

 time for the biggest thought on my mind and one that has been lingering for two years. should I come out to my mom? your first answer would probably be, "if it's safe for you, yes", and to that I'm not sure. she's said in the past that she would accept her children no matter what. (yes the topic was on LGBTQ+ identities) yet I can't shake the thought she only meant that as a hypothetical. she's also said she always wanted a girl to raise and when I was born she could finally have that. I'm scared that if I told her she would be crushed. I don't want to have the relationship we've built become awkward as the years lead into my adulthood. imagine I couldn't even talk to my mom when we're miles away from each other. that would hurt the most. maybe I'm just overthinking it, but it's taken me this long to seriously consider it again. it's complicated, but what family isn't? if I do end up telling her rest assured there will be a blog about it.

 one last thing, I really love blogging. I love reading people's life, experiences, and sharing my own. it's so surreal that I'm existing with all the other people in the world and we can connect simply through the screen. it's so cool reading a blog from someone across the world and sometimes relating to them. even when I don't relate I still love reading their life! I hope to whoever is reading this you can pursue your passions and if you don't have one yet I bet you'll find it!

that's all for todays blog!
time to shower and then have lunch, yumm...
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!