today's blog, a blog [8]

howdy-hey.
how you doin, how you doin? (someone answer once lol)

  so like, is there a reason relationships are CONSTANTLY shoved into my single-self? don't get me wrong, I love listening to old love songs, that's one of my favorite things, old-timey lovin, but that's not what I'm talking about. it seems no matter where I go what's being talked about is love! I'm so happy for the people who have relationships, truly I am, but please I just want to exist. (I'm being dramatic, I know, kidding too.) surely it's not just a coincidence it's being shoved into my face every chance it gets. I mean, I'm listening to music, and a bunch of love songs popped up. normally, I hardly listen to love music unless I'm in a mood, but I guess now is that mood? to be frank I hardly mind it. I've been single for a couple of years now, maybe four, lost count, so I suppose I'm getting used to it. I'm used to people going on and on about their love lives.. it's just odd how it's popping up now.

  on a different note, have you notice how new music doesn't focus on the vocals anymore? nowadays it feels the vocals and the instrumental are fighting for your attention or their just completely separate. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy, but listening to this old music you hardly hear the instrumental and when you do it's when it counts. the focus is on the meaning of the song. how the singer sings the meaning it matters. you can feel it more than music nowadays. this is probably just my anemoia talking though.

  even if I could love and live back in an older time, I don't think I would do it. as much as I love thinking about that love those times weren't made of it. today is awful, but yesterday wasn't better. war will always be happening, yet now we have the internet to cope with that, and I have this. I have this blog. so I wouldn't want to go back to old loving, but if someone would want to give it to me I wouldn't fuss. maybe love back then was simpler or maybe the nasty stuff wasn't talked about. or they were and people are blinded by nostalgia. nowadays love is just a complex game that you either play or don't love. wouldn't love be so simple if I could give my man some flowers and have him swoon, but it's not like that anymore is it? I'm not even sure if it was ever so simple. love, no matter what kind, is complicated.

  I'm not sure why I'm so infatuated with this topic as of late. sure some events happened in recent, a resolved one, but is that the reason? I suppose it has gotten me to think more about myself and where my standards lie. (even though I still need better ones. we all can improve after all.) yet I'm not yearning for it as much. I always will yearn for it until I have it, but it was a lot more intense. crying some nights because of that gapping hole in my heart that was carved by my past. wondering for hours what was wrong with me because everyone had someone and I didn't. there is nothing wrong with me, nor the people who aren't interested, and I just need patience. luckily unlike my family I have plenty. despite my thoughts normally ending on some type of relationship question, I'm waiting, for someone I've yet to meet, and if it just takes awhile it's fine.

  so just like all the others, I can't shut up about my relationship status, but rather lack of. I really wish it wasn't on my mind as much as it is. some part of me envies aromantics and how they don't need romance. of course some still feel some romantic attraction, I guess that part of me is just romanticizing it, aha. (sorry not funny) I know I don't "need" it either, but sometimes it feels as if I do. I wish I knew why my brain was so fixated on something like this and I really want to fix it. it's so annoying when I'm alone, which is most of the time, my mind wonders to what ifs, and could've beens. it's even MORE annoying that the "could've beens" is from horrible relationships. the "what ifs" are sometimes barrable, but even thinking too much about a fictional relationship is damaging. my expectations will never be a reality yet my brain can't stop itself. it just makes me feel more alone..

  why does my actions depend if I have a partner or not? my motivation for anything is so little when I'm not actively pursuing someone. does anyone know why this is or should I get professional help? probably the ladder lol. the problem with me is that I can't even get the motivation to open a program. whether it's making a video, edit, or art, I can't sit down and do it. some years I can get over it and actually do something, but it always comes back to drag me down. maybe I don't have passion for any of these things at all.. despite me having a blast doing them. nowdays it's hard knowing what I like anymore because I can't do anything! it's so odd once again.. I'm not even that depressed at the moment. to be fair with myself, I feel rather fine, so why am I like this? maybe it's all down to patience, but I'm running out of time. I'm going to be 17 in Feb and I want to move out ASAP. as soon as I get a job at 18, I'm saving, and leaving. what if I can't do art after that? what if I'll never be able to be a Vtuber? or some sort of content creator? what if my life is dogshit as well? ugghh.. who am I kidding, I'm not ready.

I think that's all my woes for today, thanks for reading, friend. hope there weren't too many mistakes, I'm a bit tired, and hardly did proof reading..
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!

UPDATE 6/21/25: MY BROTHER GOT MARRIED??? THE UNIVERSE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME. WTF??? I should like.. listen to the signs more sorry universe </3