fear is the bodykiller // disability & chronic illness suck ass part two

this is part one

like, “eh, what’s that? i feel like i have brain damage?…’might as well let it happen, it’s almost nice, feels a bit like being high, except for when i want to think but can’t or when i feel like i can’t see right, or when i get increased myoclonic jerks and random muscle spasms….oh, i feel like i might die? even better, let it happen,” i’m so fucking tired. of having fucking awful symptoms when i want to live, earnestly believing i’m going to die, and then discovering i’m still miraculously fine somehow - or at least not bad enough yet, or, actually it *is* bad enough that even if this is just a migraine that i can even fucking *get* migraines that make me feel like i have brain damage; many people don’t live with that as a reoccurring thing in their lives - and then wanting to die, and then wanting to live, rinse & repeat. i’m just tired, man

today, i tried returning to the mh program - i've been out sick with the migraine(s) - i tried leaving the house, and felt myself having an anxiety attack. i don’t know why i’m so terrified of going to a place i’ve gone to for months, but i am, and it doesn’t feel like something i can just turn off. it feels like i'm having a gun aimed at my head. 

to think less than six months ago i walked - ugh, goddammit, rolled - all the way from my house to a cafe that was two miles away & i ordered an iced coffee, drank the whole thing, and felt fine. what happened to me? too much, i think

i feel like i can't go anywhere. when i was a teenager, i had really, really awful anxiety that made me feel like i couldn't even leave the house and this is like i'm returning to that. i think about going to the mh program, and i think, what for? (well, originally i went only to get out of the house, and to make friends, and that's still the only reason i go, and normally it's enough, but i feel like i'm such a burden on my friends;) i feel like i feel like a human weapon. i feel unsafe because i feel like i make other people feel unsafe. i make other people feel uncomfortable. i make other people feel overwhelmed, even as i am so, so overwhelmed. i am damaging. even if my head didn't still feel like beef fucking stew i'd be damaging

and damaged

this fear's gonna kill me one day, if nothing else does

no wonder i like feeling brain-damaged and/or high and/or hi how are you my name is benny, and, you might enjoy my company but i will rarely show up in your life (see: time hunger) or you'll enjoy my company less once i reveal what the fuck i am damaged & damaging