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.......i'm apparently mostly fine. the brain fog is from a Candida infection i have, as well as - and this is where the headaches/migraines & blurry vision episodes come from too - my needing a new prescription. bad news would've obviously been bad news, but i don't know how to feel about this 'good' news, because; this is my life. this is what life is. my i've heard it called this, especially lately, by the staff at the program i've been attending 'distress tolerance' is garbage. maybe it's the autism, or any other myriad of things, but i perceive everything at 11/10 'volume.' everything. and it's not solely mental, but physical as well. i am apparently sensitive enough that i feel like this after...i don't know. i know why, but i don't know why. i don't like that this is what my life is.
and i also feel a sense of anxiety, still, and betrayal...not as though a person has betrayed me, but as though life itself has...a few weeks ago, i was told i had a strep infection, which explained my symptoms. but then i treated the strep, and my symptoms didn't go away. what if this isn't 'it,' either? what if i'm still doomed, to fucking hell, and this isn't really respite, it's just a bait-and-switch? just another round of false hope?
i am apparently mostly fine.
but i don't quite believe it.
my life wasn't supposed to be like this. i mean, i know everybody says that, but...i was born disabled, but it wasn't always this bad. i miss when walking & standing were easy, i miss running, i can't run at all anymore, i miss being a child because i was free-er then. my life now, this was bad luck. is bad luck. this was, is, something someone did to me. and i mean that literally, an old teacher of mine physically abused me. fuck my bad luck. him, too. fuck this misery. fuck this
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xxPawlinaPoisonxx AKA "Alastoria"
In my case, I turned out to not have thyroid issues but I decided to not get tested for anything else due to the fact I need peace of mind. I know it's stupid and irresponsible & might get me killed but I just need a break from all the anxiety.
i relate to needing a break from anxiety. but i feel like i can't turn it off.
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
same. i just try to not care. maybe in an unhealthy way. but it's better than being stuck in the limbo of uncertainty.
by xxPawlinaPoisonxx AKA "Alastoria"; ; Report
nnahhh trueee. the second i start to care about my health i overanalyze every single damn thing and feel like shit
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
sam
benny... i wish there was a direct virtual equivalent of just sitting with someone and being there for them and listening to what they have to say
oh yeah? why? i mean, me too, but what's your reason?
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
i commented rhat when i was half awake im not sure what exact point i was tryin to make except that i didnt really have anything worth commenting but wanted you to know that i read it. thought it was applicable to the situation i guess
by sam; ; Report
so you mean you don't have much to say and you're sitting & listening, but you wish you could *actually* sit with me and listen and really be there.......AWWWWW, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND
by benny // whalefall; ; Report