time hunger

this is very stream-of-consciousness, it will probably be either edited or deleted later, as i'm not even supposed to be writing right now. i need to recover, or try to recover, from an awful headache. something neurological, maybe. but i had to get this out present, in my life, over and over and over, is the feeling that i am running out of time. after years of chronic illness & disability, this happens every time i am in a relationship that i really want; i end up being left behind in such a grotesque way and it's not even the other person's fault. i've been absent, from classes, work, parties, so many times, absent from people's lives, and so of course people move on, and things get awkward the more you try to hang on to them. which is, of course, why you never can. but all i want - all i want - is time. more time. i am running out of time, give me more time. more time with [that painful list of names]. this last one, he is a friend, nothing more, at least not right now, and that's it, that's what i've realized, it's not just crushes this can occur with, but friends. friends can tire of me. and friends often do. this is my prayer; that you don't tire of me, that you allow me to have time with you. let me listen to your voice, for hours, let me make you laugh, see your face, let me hug you goodbye, let me have time. i am hungry for time. starving for it. let me prove something to you, i don't know what, but something, so you stick around. love hunger. love-that-lasts hunger. through-time hunger. time hunger