i can never get what i want, can i?

Sooooooo, theres this boy at school. Hes one year younger than me and studies sociology. Out paths never seem to intersect execpt on Thursdays when we have back to back classes in the same classroom, and on fridays when we share the same lunch time. (i might have stalked a little)

I like him so much already and ive only been near him TWICE and talked to him ONCE, my heart stars pounding and i get filled with all this anxiety. i feel like im having a panic attack. i keep catching myself thinking about the next time ill get to talk to him.

I feel like he would hate me though, ive been told that i make people uncomfortable by just being myself. so im weary about that, it would break me if he didnt like me back, even platonically. I dont want to feel this way, if it were up to me, i would chose to love no one.

Im friends with one of his friends friends, so im trying to find a way into his cirlce via that. ive also just stalked him, like everywhere. found his accounts but theyre all private, shit.

after my first serious relatioship capitulated, i havent been persuing or considering a love life for myself. i definetly dont want to be in a relatioship again, even if it would yield happiness in the short term. but i want him so bad, he wont leave my mind. i feel this softness deep in my chest for him. i would give him almost anything if he demanded it of me. hold him gently while he breathes softly on my neck. i crave this kind of affection, i need it so bad i feel like i wont be able to live without it. i need someone to need me as much as i need them.

maybe its my mindset holding me back, or maybe its the world whose against me. But i hate being in love.