041223

(idk if i should put these in the blogging or life category. what's the difference?)

my head hurts, i'm hungry and everyone is getting on my nerves. don't talk to me!!

i just left the discord voice chat without saying bye bcs my friend was making noises (sighing and smacking his lips) and it was infuriating me so much. i would've exploded if i didn't leave.

it reminds me of another friend of mine who i go to uni with. when she's concentrating on drawing she's randomly closing and opening her mouth and you can hear everytime her lips touch. it makes a sound, idk how to explain it. the room is often silent and i usually don't use my headphones, so all i can hear is this sound she makes. i know she probably doesn't realize she does it, that's why i don't tell her but it makes me so mad. in the end, i start listening to music to not hear it.

i feel like i only start noticing these little sounds when i'm already irritated or on edge and suddenly they're so loud and feel like a personal attack. like the person is doing this deliberatly to make me mad. overstimulation sucks, and my cats seem to always sense that i'm already irritated and start getting on my nerves too. non-stop meowing is literal hell when you're already pissed off. but they don't know any better, they're cats.

i tell myself that i'm a bad person bcs i get mad in these situations even though they aren't doing it on purpose. but i think it's okay to have the space to sometimes get mad at people even if they can't control the thing. else i'd never be allowed to be mad at anyone and i think i deserve a little rage sometimes - as a treat!

today's mood: anger, frustration, hate

i was going to uni by myself today. i'm currently revisiting the year, therefore i'm around new people. one girl (R) is taking the bus the same time as me. we started talking a bit last week bcs our walking speed matches and no one was passing the other.

later, in between classes, we stood as a group at the heater in a class room (first time i was part of a group conversation!). the conversation was switching to the topic of hair coloring. it's something i'm quite familiar with as i've been coloring my hair since i'm 15. i'm no expert but i learned a lot of stuff in the last few years and am able to not destroy my hair by bleaching 10x without a plan of what i'm doing. anyway, R seems to also be the kind of person to change her hair color a lot and currently she has washed out blue-blonde hair. she was complaining that she couldn't get the blue out of her hair. she wants to color it pine green. i knew exactly what she could do in this case bcs i was in the same situation not that long ago. back then, a friend was recommending a specific brand of color remover and it worked perfectly. 

so, i waited until R was finished with her monologue to give her this tip. i told her about the color remover, she seemed to listen, but then she talked about bleaching again right after. she didn't even seem to want to acknowledge my suggestion. but okay, i guess - bleach it again, you'll see how far that'll get you (nowhere). i wasn't really mad about her not caring about my tip but i thought it was kinda rude how she just ignored what i just said.

some time after i retreated from the group and sat down to draw (enough socialising for one day lmao). i still listened to their conversation. R was always talking and most of the time about herself. she was always the focus. idk but i started to find her a bit unlikable.

today, i was again talking to her as we walked up to the building. i colored my hair on sunday (green!) and we talked about hair coloring. i was once again telling her to use the color remover. she dismissed my advice and instead made some plans to color over it with a copper or brown color and then bleach it again -_- bro... it could be so easy...

sometimes i get some kind of weird fascination with people like that. i don't like them but they trigger something deep inside me - a resentful and competitive part inside me - and suddenly i want to be better than them in every way i can. idk what that is and why it happens. i get nothing out of it, even if i am doing better than them. but it keeps me occupied, i guess lol. R is totally bringing that part of me out again. at least i already know that i can color hair better than her, what an achievement lol

i'm a psychotic weirdo