恨

I am sad to know that I was probably not wrong about what was going to happen. I keep thinking if it happened because it had to happen or if it was also sabotage on my part.

I blame myself for many things, for not being able to be happy, for not being chosen over anything or anyone, I am still sad for not being able to be loved the way I want.

Why do I have to feel like everything is my fault and hate myself for it when I just want things to turn out well? Am I the one who makes you feel pressured? Is my love too much? When did you decide you were tired of me? When did you decide that you wanted to go alone without caring how I felt?

All these days I wanted to stop believing and wanting to change my way of loving but I went back to reading, playing, anything that would make me connect more with my feelings because I'm not going to let anyone take that away from me. I have the slightest hope of believing that my love is not a bad thing, maybe people don't care for me and love me enough, maybe...

Hope, that's what I don't lose, maybe everything can get better, that you realize that you really love me and that I'm not a burden or a stress for you, or at least I want to believe that if you're not going to be a part of my life, I want someone else to be and truly love me. I want something real, not a place where they only make me doubt or make me insecure, feel unloved or worse, where I want to die in the process of something that should make me happy.

Hate? I always have hate, with myself and with others.

I hate not being able to not feel guilty, I hate that no one makes an effort for me, I hate feeling like the problem, I hate feeling in love, I hate giving and not receiving, I hate that they see me just for entertainment, I hate not being able to let go of you like you let me go. I hate myself for not being my own priority. But I love myself, for loving, for knowing that I gave my all, for caring, because the experience made me embrace my feelings, for feeling like the partner that everyone wanted, and despite my bad choices, little by little I understand that maybe I was never the problem.