#27

Hello writevember #27. Typing that leaves a bad taste in my mouth as I truly don’t want this shit to end :( I like writing and I want it to last forever. Today is stream of consciousness.

Spent all day yesterday alone aside from a nice hour with my sister before she left for the loo. Shoutout to her because I had the worst day ever aside from that time spent together.

Today I woke up at 10 and went back to sleep until 11 because I simply cant be fucked. I wanted to spend all day being depressed in bed soooo bad but I pushed myself to be a bit productive. I cleaned up a bit, took out the garbage and recycling, washed my sheets and comforter with the dryer!!!! Yay :) warm sheets and cozy comforter that I am sitting on right now. I took a shower and washed my hair and also shaved my legs so random I didn’t shave anything else but it felt nice. Im having a hard time eating and sleeping the past couple days. Today I have not consumed a meal I’ve had a few mini muffins though. Not good and not trying to flex just being honest. I have no motivation to do shit. I swept my floors but I do that almost everyday so that’s nothing. Also changed josis litter but I scoop it every other day and change it once a week so that’s routine for me. Im about to do another load of laundry of clothes this time with the new dryer which feels crazy. Gonna sit in my bed and fold the warm clothes while I watch tvd and I know the feeling of warmth on my hands as I do it will be a comfort. It’s so weird to experience two full days of my own company because even while I was in my long term relationship I always found I had something to do over spending time with him. Now that im alone im so disoriented being here and having no plans and thinking about how he’s not coming home. It’s uncomfortable for sure. I also broke the sober challenge today. That’s okay because im not doing it to see how long it lasts - im just taking it one day at a time. I think when im around people it will be much easier to hold Myself to it but I can’t expect myself to hang out in my own company two days in a row, feel all of these intense emotions and be sober. It’s too hard right now. Maybe one day but not today. I think im going to see the fnaf movie with skyler tomorrow. Im really excited for that. Skyler is a really wonderful person to be around to keep my mind off of things and she’s a huge comfort to me. Actually all of my friends are. I just don’t hold them responsible to ensure my stability. The past two days have been really hard. Lots of tears. Lots of hard emotions. I punched the wall which was so silly and I’ve never felt pulled to do that before but I did and maybe it helped I don’t know. Probably going to eat something soon because I feel tipsy from 2 beers which is abnormal for me. Im letting my kitten roam free with my bedroom door open right now. She’s so into exploring im happy for her. I also think I am finally going to use my Amazon gift card and order stuff for myself. A little shopping would give me serotonin. Shoutout pbr. Shoutout my dab pen. Shoutout my vape. Y’all really have my back. 😂😂

Just kidding. Shoutout to my effing support system. You know who you are. Even though I haven’t seen you guys in a Couple days, you all still reach out and check in and it goes so far with me. I can’t believe people care about me this much it’s crazy. 

I think that’s all from me for tonight. Might edit this later if I think of more. Evan just asked me to chill so that’s awesome. Maybe I’ll make some music with him. After this I go throw my clothes in the wash I was just waiting for Evan’s stuff to be done. I love you guys!!!! Hai baby Kata :) thanks for reading thanks for holding space for me thanks for being the best thing ever to happen to me. 

Peace n love,

Mai mai out