27/11/23 Mentally unwell and envious, dunno why you expect something different than last week.

I'm a horrible person. I really am. I fuck up everything, I act like people should know exactly what I mean when I say stuff when I could just. Actually say stuff. I'm a horrible daughter. But I'd be a bad son too. I'm just horrid. I'm so mean. Why the fuck am I so mean omg. I don't know how to communicate. I distort things so much in my head. I don't do anything to change. Wtf. Who does that. 

Stop whining if you're not gonna change omg. And I'm envious. I'm so envious. I just have to be the most perfect little sunflower in the fucking room. I have to be better in everything. I cannot live otherwise. I'm so mean. Even in my head. So many mean thoughts that nobody deserve. So rude. 

Today I was gonna buy a pack of cigarettes. 20 blue camels. I was like. Oh in the stop I get off my first bus and wait for my second bus. On the sidewalk across. There's a cigs vending machine. And the second bus takes always so long. So I get off my first bus, I turn around and there's my second bus right behind the first. And I'm insane so I go ya sure it's the universe work. And so I didn't buy cigarettes today. Better luck next time.

I hate winter. I hate feeling cold. I do my routine of setting things up n then I just sit and start working on a thing for the first class of the day. Purple arrives. Thirty minutes before class. Ya checks out. Retriever gets in. Strangely without Berry, I thought at this point they were fused at the hips. See? So fucking mean. I finish the design for the illustration I'll work on fast, and then I take tissues, book I'm technically reading but not really, hoodie n flannel and I head for the sea

I forgot my gloves at home. Fuck me.

There's not a lot of wind today and yet the sea is angry. Not furious, but angry. I don't read the book. I don't even like this book, I don't think I'll continue it. Stay there until five minutes before class like always, and I'm back in my purgatory. 

They treat this class like lunch time. Like omg do they ever shut the fuck up. We're supposed to print in this class. The two ppl in particular I'm talking ab, I don't think they ever printed this year. Are they even working? Or having tea and biscuits? So loud. God I hate the laugh of one of em, it always sound fake like a seal grasping for air. And the other one too. And. They. Fucking. Monopolize.The.Bluetooth.Speaker. now, my taste in music doesn't tend to be relaxing. For some it's probably annoying. But meme songs from YouTube with fucked up extreme auto tune is not exactly what you'd listen to when trying to focus. I'm there, with a piece of linoleum, carving it with a tool. You need to be steady, to not fuck it up, to not stab your hand. 

That shit they put on, between this meme shit and the Disney songs, is like a kid screaming at the beach while you're trying to relax. 

I use Bluetooth earphones. That shit doesn't go full volume compared to wired ones. I have no noise cancelling function, so even with something as chaotic as Machine Girl, you can still hear all this shit in the background. PLEASE SOMEBODY BUY ME SOME GOOD SONYS OR SENNHEISER OR WHATEVER. PLEEEEEASE. I cannot deal with this for more.

So I keep for all class my earphones in, as loud as I can, and work. Can't wait for it to be over. Finally time, I take a bit longer to pack everything up and biggest mistake because instead of being alone I have to hear retriever and Berry talking. I don't fucking know if I'm envious, or annoyed, or angry, I don't fucking know, I just know I cannot fucking bear these two fuckers talk especially with each other like god you cannot fucking utter shit ever but you still get lovey dovey okay sure whatever I don't care. AAAAAH. I want my brain to. Stop. Lobotomy. I don't give a fuck. At least I wouldn't be conscious. 

Anyway when I realize the mistake, I put everything in the bags as fast as I can and go to the classroom for the next class. 30 minutes until then. Sea time. I almost clash into the two fucking couple of pigeons as I'm getting out of the door and I just wanna rip all my hair And scream. 

Out of the school. Out of the place. Walk and walk to the sea. And tears form. And I can't keep my breath steady and I try not to panic. I need to sit on stable ground and to breath and feel the cold air. And so I do. And I cry a little. And I stay there until it's time. And I regret so much not having my gloves once again.

It's dark already at 5 pm. I hate the winter.

I get back to class. I cannot wait to be in bed, asleep, not conscious, not able to have a single thought. 

And of course Retriever is in a table behind Berry working on something and brain shut up shut up shut up. 

Nothing else worth mentioning happens. I get my review on the assignment. I'm now on the train. I wanna die.

That's ab it. 

A ghost writing from its grave, signing off.