i still hate myself

It's been a year and I can see that my grammar and english is improving now, but sometimes I notice my friends can't understand me because I speak too fast there are time I think I have ADHD or maybe im on the spectrum, but who knows. It's been 2 years since I'm tried to lose weight and I always fail because I keep going back, binging and starving its a very exhausting cycle. If I get skinny 85% of my problems gonna be solved. I never expect that I would gain so much weight. I did lose all the weight before and I  hit 45kg and all of that hard work poof gone when the pandemic happened, I gained up to 65kg my heaviest. I am disgusted by myself. I feel dirty, give me a chance again because I never give up, I am going to lose all this weight before my birthday FEB 06, 2023 if I didnt hit 55kg by FEB, I'm gonna go back here and write shit about my low self esteem lol. 

I just don't feel pretty when I am fat.