My living situation

Disclaimer: I am writing this to vent about my living situation and how it feels to be a targeted individual living in NY. While I might sound suicidal in this post I'm not, I have no plans of harming myself or anyone else and I'm scared to attempt suicide because I could end up in a dimension that's worse or if I fail it would mean having to go back to a psych ward. While I sometimes wish I was dead I'm scared to die for fear of what could come next, so I'm not at risk of making an attempt.

Ok so let's start with some background on how I ended up in this mess. I was born in Ohio and lived there until I was 10, when I moved with my family to NY because my mom lost her job, and since my dad was selfish and wanted to move closer to family instead of somewhere that would have been a good place to live, we moved here. The area of NY we live in is very rural and is pretty much one of the worst places to live as a vegan, because my house is across the street from a farm that raises cows, and I can't do anything to save them because if I did I would be arrested. I'm pretty sure my parents knew that this would basically be the worst possible place for me to live before they bought the house because this was after I had stopped eating meat, but they bought the house anyway and when I try to confront them about this decision they deny having any idea this area would affect me the way it did.

My school years were pretty bad, even when I lived in Ohio I have memories of being placed in an abusive "special needs" program because they thought I had a learning disability or something. There's also the fact I stayed an extra year in preschool which effectively held me back a year, and let's not forget about my kindergarten teacher who basically made me feel like something was wrong with me for just existing. Little did I know, this was only the beginning and my school experience would become much worse in NY. 2004 - 2008 were pretty "normal" years, even though I always felt out of place in that school due to being ostracized by almost everyone around me, and also being aware even back then that it was a government funded prison system. I included the 2007 - 2008 time period there even though I was in 7th grade during that time, which is when I started to notice the gang stalking, it wasn't too bad at the time so I just shrugged it off. However, this was only a preview of what was to come. Sometime in early 2009, a certain person made a fake account on aim just to torment me, and eventually started doing it in person once I found out it was him. This continued for about 2 years into my high school experience, and during this time pretty much everyone around me was encouraging him. I had some other abusers who were his friends and I'm pretty sure some of my female friends who were mutual friends of his were involved in orchestrating the whole thing, even though I can't prove it I just kinda felt that vibe. This whole experience left me completely traumatized, gave me ptsd which affects my ability to function, also it left me feeling alone and isolated and gave me trust issues. This person actually apologized years later, and we became friends for a bit but I couldn't shake the feeling he was still doing things to get to me behind my back. So a few months ago I cut him off completely and plan on keeping it that way.

After I graduated in 2013, I thought that would be the end of it. However, what that person did to me made me want to be a ufc fighter, which is something I regret even thinking about. That obsession made me do some things I regret, causing me to fall into a downward spiral of despair that I feel like I'm literally still stuck in, years after realizing I never truly wanted to be a ufc fighter. It caused me to feel like I was possessed (I feel like I actually am but that's another story), and the whole thing with that guy was planned in order to push me over the edge and want to do that in order to "get back" at my abusers even though the true purpose was to sabotage my life. I'm pretty sure I was also placed in a conservatorship with the U.S. government around this time, even though I can't really prove it this would explain my current situation and it's not unheard of them to do to targeted individuals.

I moved out of NY briefly for a little over a year so I could live in San Diego, which is an area I love and is one of the places I'm thinking about moving to again if I'm able to get out of this current situation I'm in. Unfortunately while I was in San Diego, I was still heavily into the ufc thing and even though I was able to find employment and make some friends, overall it was a very stressful time in my life. Part of the reason living in San Diego didn't work out is because I barely had any life skills and made impulsive spending decisions, including eating out a lot when I should have been saving money and finding a way to stay there long term.

In 2015, my parents manipulated me into moving back to NY while I was under duress. I feel like they did this on purpose as an excuse to reenter my life and put me back in an abusive situation they knew would be terrible for me. They lied to me and said I would have more of a "support system" in NY, which was an obvious lie and one of the worst things they've ever done to me, aside from the whole psych ward incidents. What they didn't tell me was that moving back to NY was going to be a setup to increase the gang stalking, put me through 2 very traumatic psych ward experiences including one where doctors literally tried to kill me, and some other things I will get into.

At first when I moved back, I was devastated but was hopeful this would only be a temporary experience. However since moving back, things have gone from bad to worse. Aside from what I already talked about, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2018 causing people to think I'm delusional, lost my ability to drive later that year and was fired from multiple jobs mostly for "working too slow". I don't really get along with my parents, we disagree on pretty much everything and when we argue they act like it's my fault for being disagreeable and that I just need to "work harder" to get myself out of the mess they put me in. This is part of why I feel like my parents aren't completely human or maybe they are but they're government agents ("parents" sounds like "pay rent" for a reason meaning they're paying rent to the government). Their presence in my life just seems way too convenient, almost like they were placed there on purpose to get to me in the ways they do. I'm literally being held prisoner in a house I shouldn't be in, living in a state I don't belong, forced to live under the threat of going back to a psych ward if I become too "psychotic" again. I don't really have any viable options to get out of this mess that wouldn't make things worse. I can't afford to move out so if I left the house I would become homeless and most likely end up in a psych ward again. On top of that the government has gone out of their way to make it impossible for me to get a job so I don't see things changing anytime soon unless a miracle happens. The whole situation is just stressful, I feel like I'm literally trapped in some nightmare I can't wake up from. I'm going to end this here because this post is already very long, and I'm thankful to anyone who takes the time to read this. I've pretty much covered everything that's gone wrong in my life. If anyone is in a position to give financial assistance through PayPal or cash app please let me know. I'm not sure how much that would actually help because the cost of living is outrageous, but at the very least it would help me be able to afford something to make my life somewhat easier.