titled like 11/23/23

location: counch

it's been a year since the last time i was writing. back at home for thanksgiving. but life isn't particularly as bad as it was a year ago. actually no, it's definitely much better. d doesn't hate me or even dislike me. i was so scared i permanently ruined something between us but he wanted to get over it. he wanted to work through it. fuck, i think about it and i just get so happy. i've never had that. it was always people hurting me and then i had to fight to keep them in my life. never the other way around. i never want to hurt him again and i know that as a fact. i didn't want to hurt him originally but that's just how it ended up. i wonder if my life will get better or worse with adderall. i know i'm not my brother but i wonder if i'm walking into another situation i'll look back with such distaste and shock at how stupid i acted. i suppose there's nothing i can do but go through the motions of life. i really miss d. i like his face and how he looks at me. i like that i feel like he cares. i wonder if i'll ask him to pick me up from the train station. i wonder if he will. i just think about him and i'm surprised he's real. i started talking to him first but he said he was trying himself. not another person that was shocked at the idea i could have feelings for them. he wanted me to. still shocking to think about. i hate malaise. genuinely the worst state of being for me. i would've enjoyed my time here more if i could enjoy anything right now. i forgot how to be interested in things. i wonder if i've been like this for a while and d just covered it up. i can't even have myself be upset about it. adderall sparkling emoji. thats all for now i cant even focus on writing this shit. d......... drooling emoji. i wonder if he knows.