alrighty let's try this 11/19/23

location: da ej

i don’t really wanna write about this for once. why the fuck am i the one venting when i fucked up. everything i say feels like a performance, an appeal to his emotions if he ever did read this. what could i say that could make him feel bad enough and forgive me in an instant. things i wished others said to me when they hurt me. who the fuck am i getting back at? what revenge did i get? i know the only fool here is me but why? i know there’s no one in this earth i hate more than myself but what did i get out of hurting him. i know why i did it. my ability to find ways to self harm without putting a scratch on myself is unreal. there will always be something else i can do to make sure i never feel okay. and he made my brain so quiet. nothing to be upset about or obsess over. it was just him and i thought it could be okay. why couldn’t it be. i like him and he likes me, what else was there to it? am i no fucking better than charles, pushing people away to see if they come back? i know that’s fucked and i know it’s backwards thinking but jesus christ. my anger at everyone around me for being able to do my biggest fears. all for me to realize it wasn’t that deep and i made myself miserable for the sake of it. the idea that only 11 days ago, nothing scared me more just for me to see that it means nothing. does touch even matter how i thought it did? the only reason it was okay in the moment was because it didn’t matter to me. i could’ve done it a million times and still cared about him more than anything. and that makes me sick. does my thinking even make sense or am i just trying to hope there’s reasoning for why i’m such a fucking mistake. do i even wanna kill myself or is it just easier to think i do. i make myself miserable day after day so what is the point of living. in hopes that one day i figure my shit out and can live happily? how many people will i hurt in my self righteous quest for happiness? will the ends ever justify the fucking means? no and i fucking know it. i love that all i wish is that it didn’t fucking happened and it can’t. you knew it couldn’t. something to wreak havoc without having the ability to ever fucking fix it. you fucked it up. no one else did and you’re not the fucking victim for once! congrats! you always wished you were on the other side so fucking congratulations! be happy with your decisions! i don’t even wanna fucking kill myself anymore i just wanna go back in time and fucking kill whoever that was. i think it’s easier for me to feel like i’m fighting tooth and nail to keep someone in my life than try to understand that they just want to stay. that uncomfortable feeling in my heart that it could end at any second. the unease that never seems to go away.