schooling

I remember moving from this small duplex, mom finally got a new job and actually started making a livable amount of money. She never failed to make a place feel like home, still never got use to the feeling of finally feeling at ease in a duplex just to pack it all up and do it all over again. This had been around the 5th time we had moved again, all the other times where for varying different reasons, abusive boyfriend, money issues or just looking for better opportunities. Never was mad at my mom for it, couldn't blame her for trying to climb out of economic destitution. Honestly I respected her, Dad left only a few years ago and we where basically on our own with the support of my grandparents and the occasionally child support paycheck that would arrive from the man. My mom and my dad had a deal where they would divorce and not go to court so he didn't have to be required by law to send us money.

Guess my mom made the right choice because my dad was reliable enough to actually send the money, sometimes anyway. 

I remember finally moving into this small bottom story duplex, right in the middle of a not so well maintained golf course. To say it was fancy living would be an overstatement, for being affordable safe housing right next to the highway it was full of the kind of people that brag about a 22% APR on a 2013 ford pickup. I sound judgmental now but I really hold to qualms over anyone there. I was a very shy kid, didn't talk much didn't try to. I remember not feeling anything leaving the school where I had kids that i had grown up with, 12 years of growing with all those people, all those faces. I still wonder where a lot of them ended up. I was never one to keep contact, even if I truly loved them as a brother would love a brother. Its an ever common part of my life growing in the south. 

Even though this new duplex was in a more poorer part of town I was bunched together with a lot of the very well off kids in this very massive middle/highschool that was bunched together. You could really tell by how well maintained it was that the town really funneled its money into it. 

I could tell my mom was very worried about me a lot. She was always very active in my education, She would talk all my teachers ears off wondering if I'm making friends and doing alright in class. Now I realize how lucky I am to have a mother to really care, then not so much but for fair reason I suppose, all the caring in the world did nothing but make a select few of those teachers hate me more then an adult should reasonably have for anyone. 

I never made friends at that school, I felt very invisible. And to be fair I was invisible to those around me, I tried a fair amount of times to make friends with people but the words would always come out wrong. Its like the words poured out disorganized, entire sentences said backwards words pronounced backwards. For whatever reason every time I would get the courage to speak my mind and talk to people my brain couldn't articulate the things I thought into coherent hearable sentences. It felt like I wasn't even speaking at all. The final time I tried I didn't even get a word out backwards or not, all I could let out was a small squeak. Sadly loud enough for everyone to hear and laugh at, thankfully even months after the first day I was still looked at as somewhat of a new kid to the school because no one knew my name. I was so forgettable that I never had to worry about being embarrassed about one bad moment. A relief but a curse non the less.

There where two kids that did know who I was though, as much as id like to wish they didn't. They where the first people to really notice me, I guess they figured out that I wasn't very cool or into things like they where. I wasn't quick to shut them out because at first they seemed like they weren't trying to pick on me at all. I remember them asking me questions like where I was from and such, felt like they legitimately wanted to know where I was from and who I was. They seemed like regular people. A few times after was just bumping into them, they even lived a few houses down from me. They would walk near me when we got off the bus but they didn't seem totally unfriendly at that time. I remember trying to joke with them before but with how I was with talking at that time I was hard to understand so I usually got weird looks so I just stopped trying to speak. The day they figured out I lived in the lower end part of the gold course they went from somewhat understanding to hating me. I remember hearing them in the hall call me a "faggot" as they walked by. Never was sure why they called me since I was never overtly gay or even considered myself to be gay but it still hurt my feelings. Besides that incident they followed me from the bus stop a few times just to tease me and call me hurtful words. By then I was non verbal and just stopped speaking all together since I found little point it trying to.

I was alone a lot, my mom worked till 7 pm and i had no friends to talk to so I would just play on my Xbox a lot. I also use to play by myself outside a lot, just using my imagination to have fun. Which worked really well because I never complained as a kid, but I used my imagination a lot so its hard to tell what was real and what wasn't when trying to remember.  

By halfway through the year I spent a majority of it doing my work, hiding in the bathroom when lunch came around and playing Xbox. My grades where nothing but A's. The first time in many years to have a perfect gradebook. No one by that time had bothered to talk to me, I was effectively better then dead. No one knew who I was or that i even went to there school, All the perks of being truly forgotten but with non of the benefits of being asleep forever. I didn't have many feelings on it at the time. So far the only interaction i had was a bunch of Highschoolers making fun of my off brand shoes, but even then I know they didn't remember who I was after that. It was like being the shadow casted by them. My mom at the time was still worrying about me. She was never not worried about me, a few times she made the staff try and get me to mingle with other people. Funnily enough no kid was willing to do it though so they would try and sit me down at the special ed table. They didn't seem to be too interested either, I had wondered for a long time if there was some sort of rumor about me going around. I felt like I was avoided like puke on the floor, never really knew though. I remember that same day the lunch ladies wouldn't serve me lunch because I apparently didn't have any money in my lunch account so they gave me a peanut butter sandwich with water. Honestly I would have rather taken nothing to lunch because people would love to see some poverty stricken kid walk around with a reduced lunch. I'm sure it made for a great laugh that I wasn't apart of. From then on out I continued just going to the bathroom till lunch was over.

My math teacher never really liked me, she would never help me with my work or answer any of my questions, She wouldn't even call on me if she was specifically looking to take answers. I think was really solidified people not liking me was when she caught me on my phone when class was going to end in10 minutes. She made me get up and turn my phone in, then explain in detail in front of her what I was doing on my phone. Then when I sat down she explained to everyone that she would no longer do the 5 minutes phone out times that she had. Obviously she didn't say it was because of me in particular but it was very obvious it was because of me. I remember telling my mom that because the teacher sent her an email explaining why she took my phone. Pissed my mom off so much that she did that to me in front of all those kids that she went to the school and screamed at her for an hour. I was just embarrassed by the whole thing but the teacher undid her no phones decision and class went back to normal. Still wasn't liked very much by my peers but it was something.

End the of the school year had finally gone by, nothing much really happened. A few insults hear and there but it was finally over. Last day was pretty easy, but as I was at two hours from the end of the day I had bent down and wrapped my pants, lower thigh all the way up. Thankfully no one saw but I remember being so scarred of being made fun of I used duct tape to completely cover my thigh up then duct taped over it to put my pants back together the put my jacket around my waste. Thankfully no one noticed and I went home. I remember seeing those two guys for the final time walking about to my house, they wouldn't ever look at me but i could really care less at that time. Later that summer I moved schools and it was finally over.