Skipping school - 23/11/23

Tw self harm

No blog entry tomorrow. Today I woke up and thought. There's not an inch of me that wants to stay around people tomorrow. I didn't do the assignment for watercolor n I wanted to avoid it. I'm just halfway through that course unfortunately. N I hate it so much. I didn't want to have to say hi to people that are friends with people I don't talk to, I didn't want to see those people that I don't talk to, I didn't want to respond to stupid fucking "how are you doing" questions when I clearly have clouds surrounding me. Yesterday I felt numb. Apathetic. For a few hours there was a fog between me and feelings. Between me and everything. I deleted TikTok. I'm tired of shit happening. I'm tired of arguing with other stupid anonymous people. 

Next week I'll have to go back to school. I don't want to. The weather just gets colder. I feel worse. I just wanna lay down. I wake up in the morning and just wanna close my eyes again. 

I scratched one of my arms. Surface level. Like last year. Safety pin. Thin lines, slightly red in some spots, easily go unnoticed. It's lighter than a cat scratch. They dont bleed. And so they heal super fast. Basically no actual damage. And still, a few minutes after the skin there starts to burn. That type of burning you feels when you've held ice for too long. That type of burning of when you open your freezer in a summer night. It's wrong. It fades away so easily.  You fall asleep with the burning sensation and wake up with something hard to see. No spilled blood. I'm too coward for that. It's winter anyway. Long sleeves only. It's wrong. I just felt like it. If I can't change my body for th a e better let me at least hurt it in a petty way.

I read old chata I had with people. Why am I so evil. Why did I say things that way. Why was I so angry. So cold. Did I not learn how to be nice to people? Did I not learn kindness? I'm always so evil. So angry. So cold. 

I have talked with my parent in weeks. The only thing I did was text her that tomorrow I'm skipping school. 

She talks ab going back to doctors. To therapists. To go back on meds. This pill and that pill. The tone of her voice aggravates me. If I ignore what she's saying hard enough, I stop hearing a name called that's not mine. 

Maybe I'll start smoking again.