Ah, the things you learn...

Earlier this evening, my Wife found a manila envelope that contained some old school files, and test scores from when I was living with my Mom. ( I'm not entirely sure why I took it. There isn't much in there that really matters. Or so I thought.) 

But she went through it with me, and kept getting more and more upset. 

The files in there were information from my "IEP". 

There was a lot of conflicting things said from each of my teachers. Which she told me that several did not seem to like me. Due to how they worded things. It was quite upsetting, considering I don't remember much from those years due to trauma and severe memory issues. 

"Emotionally handicapped" - that was at the title of the first page. 

Several of my teachers said I was an angry, upset child. ( Because yes, I was upset for having to live with people that continuously abused and threatened at every turn. ) Of course, I lived in an environment that no one should have to. 

My Wife explained that a lot of what was in file pissed her off, because her son went through some eerily similar things. "If I had been around while this was happening, none of those people would have liked my reaction. You didn't deserve any of that honey.." 

I kind of feel vindicated, but then there's the upset that sinks in. 

"You were misdiagnosed. They saw no signs of ADHD..." 

But there was HEAVY autism signs that they either missed or ignored. 

I know now that I have Autism, but how could you miss something like that? 

Maybe it was because I was female then, and they are often misdiagnosed. 

I'm sitting with all of this, but I really don't know how to feel. That paperwork opened my eyes and there is a lot I have to figure out. I wish I could talk to my Mom and get the truth from her. But I know she will do nothing but lie. 

Even more, I had spoken with her half sister a week ago through fb, so I could finally get some answers and she was incredibly kind. But straight to the point. A few things I guessed were true. 

Her Father was a Monster. I know why she ran away at 17 and ghosted everyone. All of them knew what she had been going through and no one did anything to stop it. 

But that doesn't erase what she did to me. She continued the cycle and it sickens me. 

The only thing I know is my Mother lives in Kentucky, in the Appalachian mountains. 

I want to reach out, and talk to her. I already lost one parent, and now this one hasn't spoken to me since I was 19. She has no idea where I am, what I look like.. 

But I can't risk my life to reach out, because she's a racist, a homophobe and a horrible person. 

I'm doing myself a favour by just moving on. 

It just hurts.