worse and worser (tw)

so i currently am in the middle of an everything relapse, as i like to call it. meaning that im at my worst and most vulnerable point rn. shit sucks, life sucks in general. 

ive just been scrolling (on a certain site that shall not be named) and triggering the hell out of myself. its like, the most gorey shit ever and im just there like "oh this is fucked up". but im still sitting there and scrolling, can you get addicted to looking at that shit? fuck!

Also that i see the stuff irl all the time too, godamn classmates dont even put bandaids over their fresh sh and walk around in short sleeves. its November!

In like some sick sort of way i feel like im in competition with them. like i have to cut more and deeper than them to be on top. to be the most miserable. as if the blood on my arm is a testament to my superlative suffering. i wonder if they feel the same way.

i want to go back in time to confront my younger self, maybe to convince myself never to get into this stuff. or maybe to pat myself on the back for starting. at some point i think i just lost myself in my disorder, idk if ill ever make it out of this state. Some of my friends like to tell me i dont seem to be the type of person to make it to 30. another one confessed to me that they sometimes wake up and think i died someway. when i asked them about it they just answered with "well it could happen, coulndt it?", and then i couldnt answer, i just laughed it off.

anyways i blame my parents for the way i am