I need to really get a grip

I've never been more distracted in my life. I told myself that a big reason I even ended up moving was to pursue a more joy-centered life. But I realized that being joyful has a lot more to do with living in the moment and most people just cannot afford to live that way.

I am here to do something very specific which is to practice film and art direction through releasing music and working with other artists, but I have been basking in the concept of a social life as of late. The catalysts were Ben and Preston and maybe Lukas too for sure. They're really the ones who got everyone in the house together, and continue to enjoy getting people together.

Without them, I do think we'd all just be busy doing our own thing.

I didn't expect friendship to play such a huge role in my time here, but I also know this is fleeting. A lot of them are here temporarily so this is really just a right-now thing but that somehow makes it worse. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I am doing amazing in certain aspects of life, the ones that I should be putting first, and yet I am sad because I can't have everything else.

Pursuing friends is a whole different timeline. It's not part of the big vision at all. There's no point in it. But I know it's important for my own personal joy. And I just want to be happy so bad.

Momentary joy can be passed up as a sacrifice to reach big things but it just sucks, you know. But I gotta do it. The big things are what I am here for.