november 13. 2023

mostly writing to say work is doing good.

i signed the lease on an apartment i was going for. ive been picking out furniture and styles for each room and trying to have fun w it. i am really stressed bc everything is able to be taken away for forever so i can never feel secure in anything. 

im really trying to feel differently and allow myself to enjoy it but its so difficult and it feels so scary its hard to think abt any of this.

realizing how much im meant to be alone. i get to connect w ppl occasionally but they arent really there u know. no one who i can really lean on and sometimes when ur so vulnerable u test it and try to see if they can be counted on but what if they cant. ur even more alone bc u know for a fact they wont be there instead of having the little bit of hope. 

i think some ppl should just be alone and i think its me.