idk

so i decided to break some contact with a friend of mine.

uhh so for context:

i've been friends with him for i think 2 years now. he lives in england so he was indeed an online friend. we've been very close since day one that we met and became closer over the months.

we became specifically very close when things between me and my boyfriend were getting shit. i didnt have anyone really atm and he was there for me since i was also always there for him. we both struggled with our own mental health and tried to help each other with it. 

i think around march this year was when we started to talk almost every single minute of the day and spend a lot of time together. this was also around the time my relationship was going downhills. i think i was starting to develop a small crush on him, or at least liked his attention. 

in april was when we used to call every other day. he would also stream his game for me so that i could see him play. i think when it all went downhills with him was on april 16th. we played truth or dare that night and a lot of confessing came out. i'll spear you the details but i you want to know feel free to ask.

after that day things were a bit akward. he wouldnt come online that much anymore and we didnt talk that much anymore. he told me he had to go for some reason and only then in i think july he decided to explain a bit what was going on with him. again, if you want more details just ask me.

he promised me he would come back and every now and then he would have a small conversation with me and then be gone again for months. at that time i didnt think much of it since i knew what was going on, but i found out he still posts video's on his tiktok page. so i have this feeling he's either ignoring me or doesnt even wanna be friends with me anymore.

when i look back at all of this now i just think i was confused. i dont think i ever had a crush on him. i just wanted someone to like me and love me for who i was back then, since someone else couldnt do it then. i think he also maybe used me since he was lonely and doesnt have anyone. all his friends left him and he wanted a girlfriend desprately. he told me that several times.

i think im just writing this so when someone finds the dms and want an explanation this is here to answer most of their questions then. or maybe i'm writing this to not confuse myself, i dont know.

i miss him tho. i miss our friendship before april 16th. i think it's partly my fault for everything that has happened but i just cant explain how.

and i really do love my boyfriend, i would never wish for anyone else. i was just in the wrong headspace at that time and i know what i did was wrong.

this was a long one but i just wanted to clear my head from all my mistakes.