8/11/23 back on the pain again

So these few weeks the prof I have on Monday is traveling so we are gonna talk ab the project through the gc we have with him. N through the gc convos, apart from cringing from some of their projects but this is another story, I learnt berry absence these few weeks is cus he was somewhere else, travelling for shit I don't wanna share it's his family not mine I'm not diving too deep into others privacy here. But ya. There's the high chance that he'll be back tomorrow. Which means that theres a high chance I'll end up buying cigarettes n crying on the train.

Also there's a small yearly exhibition of our works my school organizes, n when I saw the email to send the works I just ended up not doing it. N I know my profs r gonna be mad but idc I just. Whatever. Next time. 

Yesterday ppl had to go physically get their works to the school to start organizing for the exhibition n I get this message from one of my classmates, which idk if I've ever mentioned, we're gonna call her North anyway, nothing to know just that she's not the others I've previously mentioned. I get this private message from her saying hey sorry if I'm disturbing you" n calls me with my non dead name which I hate cus like. We're not friends anymore. That shit could slip with other ppl n they might be like mh why r they calling ***** with the name of the Greek god of the deads? I do treat my identity sometimes like since I'm closeted there's ppl that don't deserve to know my real me yk. But anyway she continued "we wanted to know at what time you're gonna bring in your works" n she sent it at like 12 pm but I was painting all day n saw it 40 mins later. N I was just like "I'm not gonna exhibit this time" I almost added "and do not call me that" but I refrained. She reacted some time later with a thumbs up (it's a convo on WhatsApp) n that was it. 

My profs are gonna be mad, no doubt ab it. But like. Ya. I'm gonna apologize. Half asds an explanation. I don't even know why. I just was like ugh idk what to send n then I worked on homeworks n completely forgot ab that stupid deadline.

I wish I didn't have a heart. Because I don't know where my metaphorical one is, but my physical one hurts. And it gets faster for no reason. I havent had monsters, so that theory is excluded. My anxiety really got worse. And I have a broken leg with no cane to help me walk. So why am I still standing? And it hurts everytime I walk. And I will eventually fall on my knees. And I'll have to deal with bruises and scraped skin. I'll have to our burning alcohol on the wound and bandage them. And there's gonna be nobody to help me back up. And I'm scared I'm gonna stay on the ground.