#2

Okay here we go again. I really don’t want to flop on you writevember. My main motivation for this is my girls. I am in this for you guys I hope you know that.  Not that I don’t want to, I feel so special being apart of something like this, but I lost touch with my love for writing a long time ago and I am much more of a consumer than a creator at this point in my life.  

Maybe doing this is going to help me find a sense-of-self. That is kind of what im hoping for at least.  Lately I have felt as though I am just floating through life like a cloud in the sky. No purpose. No real reason to be here, but alas here I am. My entire life I have struggled a lot with feeling like I don’t have a purpose.  I know that’s normal and I am not alone in feeling like I need to find a reason to be on this earth but it is still a lonely and scary feeling so instead of dwelling on it I ignore it and go through everyday feeling a little lost. I have been feeling extremely lost these past couple months. I feel found when I am with my friends but when Im by myself it’s easy to sit and wonder “who the eff am I?” I have that question a lot. I don’t know who I am really or what im supposed to make of my life and that feels so overwhelming like when the fuck am I going to figure it out! When I was fifteen feeling this way, I looked forward to being in my mid 20’s and having it all figured out. Now im here and I share the same fear with my past self. I put on a really good show of having my shit figured out but in reality I am probably the least put together person I know. There are so many things I could say about why I feel this way but I am trying not to spiral as I type this. I need to get a fucking job, go the fuck to school and grow the fuck up. Touching on my writevember yesterday - im seriously not getting any younger and the longer I put off doing things to set myself up for the rest of my life, the more lost and out-of-touch with myself I will feel. 

Anyways time to express some gratitude for the good things in my life because otherwise im going to end this off feeling sorry for myself and there’s no need for that.  I am grateful for the roof over my head.  I am grateful for the food in my stomach. I am grateful for my beating heart. I am grateful to live the privileged life I do. I love my kitten so much, she gives me a reason.  I love my mom and dad, they give me a reason. I love my siblings, they give me a reason.  And last, but certainly not least, I love my friends (including my sister who was accounted for in siblings but she’s extra special. Without my friends I would not be the person I am and even though I feel lost and scared about not knowing who I am; I feel safe and comforted knowing that they know me and my heart.  

If you made it through all of this, bless your heart and soul. I promise not all of my entries will be this long but for now, this is what I’ve got to offer. 

Peace and love, 

Me :)