i don't feel alive anymore.

ever since yk, posting on here, updating my blog every once in a while on my mental state (for some...reason), I have noticed one very silly thing. 

I havent gotten better and I'm only getting worse. 

and I cant help but shake the feeling that it's my own fault.

and I say a lot that "I dont know what to do about it". like I dont know how to fix this problem. no, THESE problems. there are multiple issues attacking me and I dont know how ti deal with any of them. and so this has lead me down a path of constant self sabotage. it's like the only thing I know hiw to do.

I get online. scroll scroll scroll on everything that can be fucking scrolled on, get mad at myself for being unproductive, and then do the same thing the next day.

I'm miserable. but I don't know how to get better.

I cant remember where, but I've ince heard a saying along the lines of "saying I don't know how is giving up". and it rings in the back if my head almost everyday.

and every time I say I sint know something I feel like a fucking quitter. and I hate 

hate 

the notion of being a quitter.

I dont know what it is about it, but just the idea of me giving up makes me feel completely worthless. it's why I rarely ever take breaks or I try to do things all in one go. because if I stop I feel like I'm quitting.

and I dont wanna be a quitter.

but I am though, arent i?

I constantly complain to myself about my issues yet do nothing about them because I don't know. and because I dont know I do nothing. I don't even fucking try. and why I do try and it goes wrong, it makes everything 20 times worse.

because even when I try I still cant do anything right.

giving up feels like the easiest thing to do.

I have no idea how to get myself out if this trap.

I'm stuck in this mindset and its eating my up inside.

I dont wanna feel this way anymore.

I just want to live.

but I just want to die.

its Halloween and I didnt get any chocolate. I think that's affecting my mood greatly tonight.

I feel worthless everyday, but some chocolate wouldve been nice tonight especially. but I didnt get any.