30/10/23 My Chest Is A Sea And My Heart Is Sinking In It, by Fall Out Boy

I hated today. I rlly hated today

It was windy. Cold. At least the melting sun still trying to stick from the summer months would be a warm hug. No. Cold wind. Cloudy sky. Nervous sea. The world is in a bad mood so why should I be in a good one. 

I do everything as usual. Eat chips, set up the tables and then come back to the communal corner to charge my earphones and stay on my phone. Windows open. Can hear the wind.

Can hear the shoes of the first person to get here. Purple.

Can hear the others. After a while. They talk outside. They laugh. 

Five mins before class. I slowly go back to the classroom. Chaos, noice, voices on voices on voices and laughs. And I feel so overwhelmed.

But it doesn't end here.

When someone takes T, after months their voice starts to change. 

Berry has been on T since last school year. His voice starts to change. 

And it hurts. Call it jealousy. Call it whatever you want to call it. But the slightest altering of his voice is there. It digs into my ribcage. It hurts. It brings tears to my eyes. It hurts. It brings thoughts to my brain. It hurts.

Of a pain I can't write or draw enough well to give it a justice it doesn't deserve.

It hurts.

In that moment I'm not just lonely. My body also feels wrong.

I want to cry but I can't. 

And his laugh is a knife in my stomach 

And everybody laughs is a knife to my stomach

And if Ive got these many bleeding wounds why am I still standing

I don't wanna still stand 

I don't feel like I've got the energy to still stand.

I print in the first class. Added the black parts.

In the second one I present the assignment we've been working on, a map of a chosen town but in a more "artistic way". And I take it out. And I hate it so much more than yesterday.

When it's my turn, idk what to say. I can't say "I hate everything ab it". "Idk it's. There's a lot of things wrong with it."

I list them. I get my review. When it's time, I go to the bus stop. Two minutes before the bus. 

I see a paper of a black and white cat missing. "Dobby" is the name. 

"Poor baby" I think. And I cry more. 

Bus comes. And the city is so dark. And I have so many tears to let free. Quietly I do. 

Idk what else to say. I low-key want cigs. 

Shitty day, shitty body, shitty person. 

I get a text from my prof. For the next assignment, free work. I gotta think of a theme. How many drawings do of it. The media used. I reply I'll look at what I've been thinking and reply a theme later. 

And I have no idea what to draw for the assignment. I'm in a bad place. And I can't think of a decent idea. Tomorrow I'll have to send that text. And idk what it will say. 

That's ab it. 

Maybe my train will randomly explode and I will instantly die. 

Hope so.

See ya.

A ghost writi

ng from its grave, signing off.